Christmas spirit

Hey everyone,

I'm sitting on my sofa watching the snow fall while the Christmas lights flicker on and off and I'm getting excited about Christmas.

A lot of people are frantic and worried about the state of the country and how their going to afford Christmas. I've done this myself, I have sat and cried my eyes out because I couldn't afford presents for anyone in my family and just managed to get presents for my sons. My baby boy was only two months old so he didn't get a lot and that tore my heart to pieces but when it came to Christmas day the presents are only apart of it, we still had a fantastic day without the presents.

So what is Christmas? Is Christmas about all the presents and enough food to fed a third world country?

There are some, where Christmas is all about what presents you can get. My husbands sister and husband send list of things that they want for Christmas, they send them to each other and to relatives. My mother-in-law in a bid to find out what me and my husband wanted for Christmas said that she liked the fact they write lists as she knows when she buys something she will know you need or like it. Me and my husband don't agree, Christmas isn't about presents, especially when your an adult. List are fine for children to write and send to Santa but at 27 and 30 is it really necessary?

I feel Christmas is about family getting together and having a great time. Its the time of the year when people get together or send Christmas cards to relatives that they don't usually see or speak to. Christmas is magic! I can't remember if I've ever had a white Christmas? So I must admit I'm excited about the prospect of saying in my life time that I had a white Christmas.

So I'm sitting here watching the snow fall and thinking I'm going to forget the stress and the strains of life for one day and enjoy the family I was blessed to have. I'm getting into the Christmas spirit and enjoying the magic of Christmas, the joy it brings to so many people.

So come on everybody, forget about the presents and the food for just a moment and take in the essence of Christmas. Take that moment and own it, imprint the magic in your memory as it only comes once a year and all those stress's and strains will still be there so don't let them spoil the magic and that special family time.

Merry Christmas everyone! xxx

Its Christmas don't you know your not allowed to be sick?! part 1 Christmas stress!

Hey everyone,

Its a week till Christmas, just seven tiny days and the stress never stops. Although I'm prepared for Christmas with all the presents and food, other things just seem to want to bring me down.

Last week I had my lumbar puncture and was really ill afterwards, my back pain was horrendous and had to resort going back to the Tramadol just to get through it. I have only really started feeling OK from it.

My neighbour has decided to complain about me to my housing for "anti-social behaviour", I just want to explain that there is a back story as to why he has done this rightly or wrongly. Before he moved in two good friends of mine lived there with his brother, the brother inherited the tenancy from his mum as his was the oldest (but not the maturest) and racked up a lot of debt with some not very nice people and the council. My friends moved out due to this and the brother exchanged with my now neighbour. 

Everything was fine with my neighbour until a couple of weeks ago, two bailiffs turned up and was going to kick down his door until he opened the door to them. This is the real reason for the complaint as because I am still friends with the couple that lived next door he thinks I was friends with the brother too, so he thinks we are laughing at him behind his back. 

I won't find out till Monday what I'm being accused of doing to be classed as "anti-social" which is driving me crazy. I was really angry they wouldn't tell what I've done and that he was so sly and sneaky to complain about me. I bet the reason he had to move in the first place was because he annoyed his neighbours to distraction.

The other thing that's causing me stress is the hospital that killed my Nan last year are refusing to admit they did, so I'm going to have to travel to Kent which is about two/two and a half hours drive to attend a meeting to say "yes you did!" My son is also having trouble at school.

I'm shakin all this stress off though as I'm not having nothing or nobody ruining my Christmas!

Hope your all having a stress free Christmas xxx

You never really know the truth until it smacks you in the face!

Hey everyone,

Yesterday I went for a eye test and lumbar puncture at my local hospital. Three weeks ago I had a phone call to tell me the date and times of my eye test and lumbar puncture and have been worried about it since. I've had sleepless nights from worry because I had been told that lumbar puncture's hurt, cause you to have back pain (and that's without having back problems anyway!) and you have server headaches (again if you don't have chronic headaches anyway) so I was so scared about it. I was to have my eye test at 11:00am and travel over to the other side of the hospital for my lumbar at 1:00pm.

I arrived on time for my eye test to be told that I wasn't on the system and in fact didn't have an appointment! I was not happy, I was told to go to another desk which was for self referrals. I was asked by the lady there if I had a referral letter with me from the neurological department which I didn't have as I wasn't sent one. After a lot of running around they finally squeezed me in as it wasn't an error due to me. I had a visual fields test and was told that my visual fields were constricted and my blind spots where enlarged, I said "which means?" and "he said its common to what ever their searching for" The problem being I don't know what their searching for! We all knew what he meant and wasn't saying was that its common to MS, doctors refuse to say those two little letters because they mean so much so they talk in codes. So many times I've been told that what I'm going through is very common to a certain"neurological problem" but they won't actually say the words until I'm diagnosed.

After my eye test I made my way to the neuroscience day surgery, when I walked in I was shocked and full of fear as it was like a ward full of people who were on drips. I don't really know what I was expecting but I thought I would wait in a waiting room then be called into a room by a doctor the lumbar puncture would be done, I would wait a couple of hours then go home instead I was shown to a bed and waited for the doctor to come.

I waited in the bed looking around at all the people on drips, they were MS patients having regular medication through IV. It was a real slap in the face for me as if it is MS I will be there like these other men and women stuck on a IV for hours on end. You know what else that shocked me? regardless of being hooked up to an IV machine he nurses and patients where laughing and joking with each other. We all know that "sick" people go into hospital and have medication or something like chemo and that there are wards dedicated for it but you really don't fully understand till your there yourself and the reality hits you square between the eyes, I was really amazed!

I'm not afraid to admit it I cried my eyes when I got there out of fear, I was shitting myself to put it bluntly. 1:00pm came and went and I wasn't called by the doctor and as I began to settle down and spend more time in the ward I began to feel easy, the people and nurses where really friendly.

At 4:00pm I was called by the doctor to have my lumbar puncture, its really funny because as she was explaining what was going to happen she was showing me with this model vertebrae and as she bent it to show the curving of the spine it snapped! So imagine she telling an showing you her curving your spine then snap! its was so funny I couldn't help but laugh neither could my husband.

After she finished explaining I got on the bed and she started feeling and drawing the spot she was going to inject, it hurt! She was poking and prodding me and it seemed like forever she was doing this, I just wanted it over with! She then injected the local anesthetic, it felt like she was not only in my back but in my hip too. The pain was immense and no sooner as she injected I started puking, yep that's right my body not only wants to put me through pain it also wants me being sick too! Remember me saying when ever I'm in pain I puke? well there you go, every time I have any kind of drug or pain I'm sick so the doctor had to wait until I finished. 

While I was sitting up and had a break from being sick the doctor put in the needle, even with the local anesthetic it still hurt. Once in I then had to lie down with the needle in my back, this was no easy task and the needle became dislodged as I did do she then had to rearrange the needle again. I just wanted it over, I lay there as she was checking the pressure and collecting the samples trying not to move or be sick. 

She finished and toke the needle out, I began being sick again. The pain and headache hit me as soon as I sat up and all I wanted to do was lie down and go to sleep but she told me I had to have blood taken too. I just gave her my arm, I've had so many blood tests they don't bother me anymore. As she put the needle in she had forgotten something tried to reach for it knock the needle which came out and pieced another hole, blood started squirting everywhere I thought "for goodness sake! this is just like me!" It was typical of my life, nothing is simple! She ended up taking blood from the other arm.

I was taken back to the ward but it was empty, only two nurses were left and me. I had to wait two hours for observation and my blood pressure was low but I wasn't going to spend the night in hospital. I forced myself up and smiled at the nurses protesting that I was fine just so they would send me home. In those two hours I ended up having a good conversation with the nurses who I told what the neurologist said and they agreed he didn't know what he was talking about! so to have reassurance was nice.

I'm still in pain and have a headache, I feel like I've been in a car crash all my body aches. You never really know what its like for someone who is ill till you are, you never can truly understand what its like to go through painful procedures until your the one going through them. So I salute all those of you who have server illness, and despite popular belief it isn't easy and I will never understand someone who "fakes it" for the benefits because trust me the money so isn't worth what I've been through and I certainly wouldn't go through it unless I had to!

Thanks for reading xxx  

Its Christmas don't you know your not allowed to be sick?! part 2 of Christmas shopping!

Hey everyone,

So yesterday I braved the storm and went shopping, I went to a toy shop and supermarket.

It was packed in the toy shop, so many people pushing and shoving so that they are the first to the toys, me I wasn't so keen on getting in the huddle. While I was making my way around the toy shop two men no matter where I was kept bumping into me. I mean I would be walking down an aisle browsing at the toys when there they are walking towards me. It didn't matter if I was at the side of the aisle of in the middle they would look at me like "I'm here and I want to get past, so what you going to do about it?" No matter where I was in the aisle they would give me a filthy look and barge past me.

I'm not exactly skinny, I have bright red hair and have a walking stick how can you miss me? Why do people insist on trying to walk through me? I'll tell you why because their selfish, their so self obsessed that they think where ever they walk people are going to part like the red sea so they can walk straight through. Err excuse me but this is the real world and trust me you really are not that important, and I'm not going move just because your there. 

While I was there being shoved out the way we stopped to look at a certain toy. My mother-in-law had brought my son miniature robots called Zippets, we stopped to look at the range of Zippet toys. While we were there a women hurried up behind us and was fidgeting like a child desperate for the toilet, I couldn't understand why until I saw in her arms a load of Zippet toys. This lady was itching to get at the Zippet toys and when my mother-in-law picked up the last of this certain part of the Zippet the women looked at her as if she had just ripped out her heart, she was devastated.

I do get why parents drive themselves crazy rushing around trying to find a specific toy that their child has requested but if its just the matter that they are picking certain things out does it matter if they don't have it? They have no idea their getting it so I doubt their going to break down if they don't have it.

Next on to the supermarket that was packed full of manic people panic buying. I have heard that because of the snow a lot of corner shops and bars have flooded the supermarkets to buy all the bread, milk ect and alcohol. The supermarkets have fought back by I.ding everybody who was bulk buying to make sure they wasn't coming in time and time again, they were limiting the bread to six a person. I don't know why anyone would want to buy six loafs of bread in one sitting? 

People were rushing around everywhere snatching things of the shelves before anyone else got there. By the time I had got to the supermarket my hands had really started playing up, I started dropping things. I had more people bumping onto me and was having to navigate through the crowds and this was in the middle of the day! We did our shopping and went to the tills, while I was helping my husband and mother-in-law putting the food on the conveyor belt, my hand failed and jar of baby food slipped smashing all over the floor. The people behind us wasn't best pleased, I can't help it and I don't do it purpose my hands just 'let go' and there is nothing I can do about it so your tutting and comments are not going to change that. So in the end we got our shopping through without anymore "incidents" and escaped the madness.

Remember people there is another Christmas next year! Its not the end of the world!

Merry Christmas! xxx

English people are lazy?

Hey everyone,

I know I'm going of the beaten track but I had to write about this.

I found out today that someone I knew was insulting my family and race which is also their own and I was angry and insulted reading it!
They not only insulted my family but all English people in general, this is their quotes:

 "The problem with the English is that most of them would rather "breed" so that they have some poor excuse to sit on their fat arse and claim free benefit rather than spend 6 years at university to get their doctorate certificates."

I disagree although there is a minority (you only have to watch Jeremy Kyle to see that!) who are lazy and don't want to work, most people would like to work and be able to support their families but are unable to find jobs. In today's society with the coalition government there are more people on benefits who had jobs but was unfortunately cut due to this government. This person is basically saying every ENGLISH person, (because lets not forget there are also other ethnic minorities that are on the dole but that's OK!) is lazy and refusing to work and have more children to claim more benefits! That includes single mothers, families who have lost their jobs and lets not forget the disabled who "pretend" to get benefits. There are many doctors, nurses, societies, etc that are English and work really hard to get where they are and I think its ridiculous to tar us all with the same brush as this minority.  

"How many English people reading this is currently unemployed or at home on some type of benefit - I would estimate more than half! I think English people just settle for the "easy life" and get into a routine of claiming benefit rather than having an ambition to better themselves"

 So we're all lazy and have no ambition growing up other then to have a baby, claim a council house and live the rest of our lives on benefits, I don't know about you lot but I am utterly offended by this! I am fed up of being accused of being lazy, I worked to get myself through college because my mum couldn't financially support me, got my degree then fell pregnant. Yes I went through the council system to get my home but it wasn't my "ambition" it was the only option I had otherwise my son would have been on the streets and I would prefer to have people look down on me then have my son on the street. Me and my husband have worked to support our family and I do not appreciate being called "lazy" all because I'm on befits because I have a condition I have no control of!

"Think of your local corner shop for example, they work 18 hour days 7 days a week, could you see an English man/woman doing that – NO"

I know a lot people who work long hours for a low income and yet the still struggle why? because its expensive to live and support your family with rent and council tax robbing most of their money so they need extra help from the state just to feed their children. Its ridiculous to think that only the other race's in Britain work long hours and for 7 days a week.

"Despite colleges offering free creche facilities many parents still choose to stay at home happy to continue to claim benefit for the next 50 years without putting a penny back into the system!"

I have found that with especially Job seekers allowance they won't support you while you are in education trying to "better yourselves" as if you are in education you are not looking for a job and therefore they will stop your benefits, its a catch 22 situation. You are trying to "better yourselves" by getting a degree to find a job/better job and yet if you have no other financial support you can't apply for a course because the government won't let you. Again they have no real clue on how the world actually works!

" I'm just so pleased this government has the balls to re-look at state benefit and make some well needed changes."

I agree changes need to be made but they are attacking the very people who need it most. Most of the cuts made by this government have affect those on low income and the disabled, and yet let the rich and tax dodgers free to continue without any real bother. Even a Conservative MP is a tax dodger so how can this government truly set out to make real FAIR changes?

"You never know, after all of these changes that the government are currently implementing to force people out to training/work, the English may be educated enough to be doctors, and the ethnic group that currently dominate our doctor positions will be more proportioned – we can all hope, but don't hold your breath!"

 How can the "English" better themselves and go to university if the government are putting tuition fees up so that only the rich will be able to go, have they been on another planet? All the student protests that have been going on surely would make them realize that? Its insulting not just to English people but to those who are in a ethnic group! Again this person has no real grasp on how the world is, many English people are in high powered jobs and not just the ethic groups.

"England has one of the best education establishments in the world and that's why people want to come here to study. However, most of the English are too busy queuing up at the chad office and counting their benefit money to take advantage of this!!! There are so many people that are illiterate (little education and therefore can't read / write / spell) in this country and it's so sad given the opportunities that are available to them."

I'm offended by this as I did go to college and did get a degree regardless of the fact that I am dyslexic and hard of hearing and had no help what so ever in my school life and yet came out with 5 C's and 1 A in my GCSE's. I am also a Dental nurse that was employed to work part-time but ended up working full time relying on family members to hep with child care. My husband would end up getting home at 1am from work and just had Christmas day off and had to work on all the bank holidays, so while me and the boys were celebrating with family on Boxing day my husband was working and yet his lazy? I just don't get it, all because a bunch of spoilt kids don't want to work, me and my family are lazy all because we're the same race? This person is saying that if you are English you are illiterate! I mean this is a really racist and discrimination the thing's this person is saying, they even describes illiterate as if we wouldn't know what it means!

"OK maybe their parents didn't give a shit whether they went to school or not, they bunked, took drugs, had a crap childhood, whatever the reason, but there is adult education available for FREE to every person who is a resident in the UK to improve this, to better themselves and to have better job prospects."

OK all you parents out there, according to this person you don't care about your children and their education but would rather them to stay gutter just like yourselves! ridiculous! I'm not a drug taking idiot and I am furious that someone wold suggest I am!

I come from a Romany Traveller back ground and know that a lot of my family have worked hard in their lives, they might have not done things the "right" way but they are happy in the way they are.

My grandad died earning a living picking hops to support his family in fact he died saving his own child, he left my nan to support seven children in an age were there was no help for single parents. They were not lazy people and a lot of my family have real raw talent, my dad can build and business up from just buying a lorry. He will have a fully fledged company with employees within months, two of my cousin's own their own business and have built them from nothing so no I don't think my family are lazy and I'm proud of who I am and if there not well...

If you want to know more about Romany Travelers here's a link http://www.culture24.org.uk/history+%26+heritage/time/georgian+and+victorian/art38559

Thank you for reading xxx

Its Christmas don't you know your not allowed to be sick?! part 1 Christmas shopping

Hey everyone,

Its another bad night for me, I'm in pain and have a lot of things running through my head. I'm sleeping a lot at the moment barely seeing before 12pm and its killing me, I've got so much to do.

After many weeks of my mother-in-law guilt tripping me into having them over Christmas day (because once again wonder-daughter has dropped them for her husbands family!) I have to now go out and shop for a full on Christmas dinner, something I did not want to do. I also have to make the father-in-law trifle, which takes a lot of effort and time!

All I wanted this year is a quite Christmas with just me and the boys, no pressure to entertain and cook or no embarrassment or shame for falling asleep on the sofa because its someone else's house, just me and the boys. The boys are not going to want a full on Christmas dinner (the husband doesn't eat it and the boys are to young to really know what it is) or mind if I do park out on the sofa plus we have never in the eight years me and my husband have been together have we spent Christmas day with just us as a family, so a nice easy Christmas or so I thought! I now on top of buying presents (which you can mostly buy online) I know have to find the energy to go Christmas food shopping and as you all know is jolly good fun!  

Christmas food shopping takes a huge lot of energy and patience. People go absolutely mad and act like its the end of the world and they need provisions. It is crazy, people charge around grabbing every little thing they can think of and we all know we go crazy at Christmas and end up with enough chocolate and cranberry sauce to last us till next Christmas and yet we still do it every year. So now I will be amongst the carnage this year because lets face it, my husband is no good at this stuff and I'll end up doing it anyway so might as well.

Christmas doesn't slow down or is less of an expectation when your sick, you still have the same stress and strains its just worse because your sick. I'll have to run around (the best I can) to do all the shopping, cooking and hosting for Christmas day and hope and pray that I can make it through. So spare a thought this Christmas while you snatch the last carrot from its tray for those of us that who find it difficult and try and make Christmas shopping that little bit easier for us.

Thanks for reading and Merry Christmas xxx

Depression

,Hey everyone,
Today I wanted to talk to you about depression, depression is a serious thing but nothing to be ashamed of. Everybody at some point in there life is going to have depression its what you do about it when it happens that matters.

I'm going to be really honest here and talk openly and honestly about my depression without shame because how can I say to you its nothing to be ashamed of if I am?

I have suffered with depression since my early teens, I can't tell you honestly what started it but there are a few things that I think contributed to it. I never really fitted in and was constantly fighting so that I wasn't bullied and frankly I was fed up of it. Throw in hormones and "boy troubles" and you got a mixing pot of disaster! By the time I was fifteen I was self harming.

Self harming isn't to be taken likely and I take great offense to those who do it for attention. I hid the fact I was self harming from everyone, no one knew. I did it not for attention but because I felt like that was the only way I could release the pain inside and I truly hated myself, I wanted to be anyone but me. I hid my depression a lot of people didn't know.

Then I met my husband and everything changed, he stopped me self harming and gave me the confidence in myself, I was happy. I became pregnant and was really happy about it and enjoyed my pregnancy up to thirty weeks when I went into early labour. I went to five centimeters dilated and my labour stop, I was made to stay in hospital for a month as I could have gone into labour at anytime. Being in hospital and spending a lot of time by myself as life goes on and family couldn't visit me all the time so I ended up becoming depressed. The day I was released the doctors came and visited me in the morning and I asked if I could go home, they told me I couldn't and I burst into tears spilling drivel that my buggy was being delivered and I wanted to put it up because of that they decided to let me go home later that day.

At the time I was living in a mother and baby unit which is young women either pregnant or have a child under two, who live in a shared house with a key worker coming in during the day to help them deal with life with a baby and provide help if needed. As I wasn't living with my husband and on my own the depression got worse and within a week I was back in hospital having my son. My son was born at thirty-six weeks and was given oxygen as soon as he was born, I was terrified something was wrong with him and VERY protective.

My labour was difficult and I lost a lot of blood during it, I was torn from the inside out and lost 650ml of blood and was near to a blood transfusion. I was hemorrhaging so bad that the doctor gave me three local anesthetic but couldn't wait for them to kick in so I felt every stitch. Even though I had been through that the midwifes neglected me, I was taken passed out in a wheelchair to the shower room and dumped. I passed out several times one being face down in the shower with the water running, I manged to wash and get dressed during this time and opened the door to the shower room just as I passed out. The last thing I saw was a midwife rushing towards me. I was taken back to my room but the sheets hadn't been changed since I'd given birth so refused to go back in the bed and was stuck in a chair in the room, my sister walked in to visit with me passed out in the chair and my son left in the crib next to me.

This didn't help me at all and with having to look after my son by myself with no help, I was still passing out. They wouldn't even let me sit on the bed to change my son's nappy but to stand and change him in the crib, I also had a midwife come and shout at me about giving my son a dummy as he used to comfort suck and I couldn't have him on my breast the whole time. I had a guy come to take blood to check if my blood was working up it self or if I still needed the blood transfusion, he stuck the needle in my arm then realized he had left his trolley with the things he needed at the end of the bed. He was trying to reach his trolley while still having the needle in my arm, in the end he messed up the vein so much that he had to use the other arm, this time he answered his phone while having the needle in my arm! Thankfully I didn't need the transfusion but the whole ordeal brought my mental health right down.

 The next day a midwife came to me and was trying delicately to tell me my son might have jaundice, she said to me "don't you think his a funny colour?" I bit her head off and shouted "no! there's nothing wrong with my baby his colour is fine!" In the end she had to just come out with the fact he might be jaundice, from that I looked at him and saw that he was yellow. I had to face up to the fact my son only a day old might have jaundice.

I had to take him to the children's ward where he had to have a urine and blood test, getting the urine was easy but the blood wasn't on the other hand. They eventually toke blood from both hands and feet, my son was screaming his heart out and I was taken right out of the hospital as I was distraught and wanting to (honestly) beat the crap out of them and protect my son. He didn't end up having jaundice but it made me really over protective.

I had pre and postnatal depression, I was really over protective of my son and wouldn't let anybody else have him and when he did go to someone else I just wanted to cry and have him back. I used to carry the changing bag, buggy and my son in the car seat by myself as I didn't want anybody's help. I was over protective and was over bearing, I never wanted anyone near my son not even his dad.

While I was in hospital a girl moved into the mother and baby unit and made my life hell from the very beginning, when asked she couldn't say why she hated me she just did. She tormented me on a daily basis and made me sink further and further into a deep dark hole, I had men asking me for sex, men walking into my room and her friends threatening me and even once trying to kick down my door, (thankfully it was a fire door) at three o'clock in the morning.

I was terrified to leave my room and would only go out to get things for my son, I prepared things in advance so that I would only have to leave a couple of times. Things got so bad I stopped eating, I would only eat when my husband was there, five days out of a week I wouldn't eat I lost a hell of a lot of weight. I had no support as I lived away from family and none of them drove so the only peace I had was to either go out myself or stay at my mother-in-laws.

I became friends with a girl who lived in a mother and baby unit next door and she supported and defended me against this girl but I had gone to far down this dark hole, the key worker who was supposed to support us was lazy and just wanted to have no hassle so the girl was free to abuse me.

I was even racially bullied, one of the key workers became pregnant and gave birth early, to be politically correct there needed to be one white key worker and one black. The new key worker found out the town where I came from and because she was racially abuse there in her past she labeled me a racist, because of this every time I complained about the two other girls in my house she would turn it around on me and say it was because I was racist! Sh racially bullied me saying that everything was my fault and eventually I complained and she was sacked.

Light came from a health visitor who was hired to come to unit once a week and me and my friend (the girl next door) where the only ones to see her out of six girls. At one point the key worker also came and shouted as us that we should see her as the two girls in my house (the one bullying me and the other who was cowardly and watched it and when necessary would jump in to give her an alibi) where always seeing the health visitor and me and my friend wasn't! We told the health visitor and she even said they never once visited her.

Me and my friend would sit for hours with the health visitor while our kids played who were best of friends and talk about the situation in the house, I ended up telling the health visitor that the only reason I was still alive was because of my son. She began (without me knowing) a campaign to get me out of there! She went to her boss's and told them what was going on, they arranged a meeting with the heads of the mother and baby unit and told them if they didn't give me my notice (a notice is an eviction notice and within that time the council need to find you a new home) they were taking them to court under the mental health act! They wasn't happy! I never got to thank the health visitor properly but I hope she know I'm eternally grateful. Even down to the day I was moving out the girl tried to intimated me but I was to happy and relived I was out of there, it was over or so you would think.

I was there eighteen months and eighteen months of hell doesn't just go away. Once I was in my home I stayed just in the bedroom for months until I realized it was safe and my own home to roam in. I was still not eating and I would panic every time I heard keys in the front door, I was still absolutely terrified she was still going to get me. I began to feel better when I was hit back down by the knowledge that she moved into the same town as me, I became terrified to leave my house and would have nightmares about just going into the town centre.

One day I woke up went to go to the toilet and fell out of bed, from not eating my body didn't have the strength to support me anymore I needed to change. The breakthrough came when my son started saying "mummy's sleeping she's sick" for my son's sake I needed to get a hold of myself and pull myself out the dirt. (This is why I hate it when he says it now with my condition) I roped my mum into helping me get out of the house as she's not the sort of person you can say no to! She came round and with the safety of being with my mum and my husband I left the house, I began eating (even though it did the opposite and I put on a hell of a lot of weight) and with a lot of hard work and support I have been "mentally healthy" for three years now, my son is six.

I'm telling you this because I'm not ashamed and I think it takes a hell of a lot of inner strength to pull your self out of a deep dark hole where the world seems so bleak its not worth living in. I see the girl from time to time and she still tries to intimidate me but I just laugh at her not saying that a strong sense of panic doesn't rises up in me and I just want to roll in a ball but another part of me knows I'm stronger then that and that's were the laugh comes from, I fought my fear and won!

People have tired to push me back down since but I have fought back and refuse to go back there!

If your in this black hole or find yourself in one then remember to not be ashamed reach out to someone and know that most people have been through depression or know someone who has and you are a strong person it just means you can't carry all the worlds burdens on our shoulders, you need help.

And to the neurologist who has used my postnatal depression against me, I say I'm not ashamed and I'm such a strong person that I pulled myself out of that hole with just myself and the support of my husband so I won't be pushed around by you or belittled for it!

Thank you for reading xxxx

Tribute to my Nan

I miss you more and more each day,

the pain never leaves me.

I think about you more and more each day,

a smell, a voice, anything can make me think of you.

I never got to tell you how I really felt,
i was to stubborn and hard headed,
now your gone all I think about is what I should have said,
it haunts me at every turn.

I guess I felt I didn't need to,
as to me you were invincible.
you were always going to be around,
you was always going to be there.
you were the wind beneath my wings.


Hey everyone,

A year ago today my Nan died, I don't really know what to say other then I miss her so much and it hurts like crazy. My other grandparents died when I was a child and I've always just toke it for granted that my Nan would always be there but when she did die I so wanted to be a child, protected and safe from all the harsh realities of losing a loved one.

The night she died me, my mum, sister and friends were out celebrating the birth of my son the month before, she had been in hospital with kidney failure but was due to come out that day. We had gone to see her the week before and I had taken my son but because she was on an intensive care ward the nurse wouldn't let me take him in to show her, she said if she was worse she would take her in a side room and we could of but she wasn't, that is something I will always regret. Luckily we were all together when we got the call and we rushed from London to Canterbury to get there on time but we were five minutes late. My uncle came out the hospital to meet us, he shook his head as he walked towards my mum with his arms open and she just cried out and curled up. I graped my little sister who was only ten at the time and hugged her to me. I wanted a hole to swallow me up as I didn't want to acknowledge what was happening, I still don't.

That was a year ago that she was taken away from us and it still feels like yesterday, I still wake in the middle of the night because I've dreamt of you or remembered a memory. Things haven't got any easier and I don't think they ever will.

Today is in honour of my Nan, Love you and miss you forever and a day.

Thank you for reading xxx

Why can doctor's lie and get away with it?

Hey everyone,

I'm really mad right now and can not portray the hurt and disgust I feel about what the neurologist has said about me.

Today my husband woke me up to say we had received our copy of the letters the neurologist has sent to my doctor and the referral doctors. When I read the letter I burst in to tears and was infuriated about what he had written.

He had referred me to the neuropsychiatrist (which I don't need as I don't have depression!) in the letter he says that I finished work as a dental nurse in March 2010, this is the first mistake:

 I didn't not give up work in March of this year I gave up work in April 2009 because my boss didn't want to pay me maternity pay so did all he could to drive me from my job which included accusing me of stealing £4.80 and was refusing to call the police even though I asked him to (as he knew he was in the wrong). I also left my job because I had burning pain in my groin causing me to have trouble walking which started when I was three months pregnant.The midwifes put it down to hormones and my pelvis moving so they sent me to pregnancy physiotherapy, they said it was unusual as it usually starts when your heavily pregnant.

The second was he said I developed sciatica during my second pregnancy last year, wrong I developed back problems after my first child and was diagnosed with sciatica four years ago.

The third, he brought up the fact that I was seen by the ENT clinic (ears, nose and throat) when I was a child, I don't know why he felt the need to bring that up as it has nothing to do with what I'm going through now.

The thing that has upset me more then anything is that he said I developed "quite bad" postnatal depression and was seen my a "psychiatric team" and from there developed "functional neurological symptoms". I have NEVER been under a psychiatric team (not that I'm disrespecting anybody who has as I think its really brave to ask for help) and I didn't have postnatal depression with my second son. I had postnatal with my first son six years ago and never saw a psychiatrist or a counsellor and was only on anti depression for two weeks, I got myself healthy again through pure determination and the help and love of my husband and my baby. I would have never sought help with my postnatal if I knew it would be used against me in years to come to say I have a psychotic problem.

How can doctors lie and get away with it? They can say what they like about you and never be brought to account for it. In years to come (even if proven false) every time I seek medical help its going to be there in black and white for the doctor to see and jump to concussions. I'm appalled that he can say such nasty comments about me and not even know or truly listen to me.

He was also "appalled" that I was in a wheelchair, didn't think I was deserving enough for one, you can really see in his letter the anger he has for me being in a wheelchair. I have only seen one doctor (my doctor at the pain clinic) who has really sat down a listen to me, REALLY listened to me, even my GP I have to inform him several times before he listens. This guy never listened, he made up his mind that I was a scumbag who was making everything up so I could claim disability living allowance before I had even walked into the room. 

My advice at the end of this, think twice before you go to a health professional and ask for help as you never know when it will come back to bite you and to those who are in the health profession God gave you ears, use them!

Thank you for reading xxx

Do disabled people have the right to moan?

Hey everyone,

Recently the topic of moaning (more me moaning loads) came up and it got me thinking about people with chronic illness's or disability being able to moan. I hear all the time of those in constant pain or have a disability hiding their pain and anguish behind a smile because they feel they have to.

I think that we have more right then most to have a good moan now and again, why should we hide when we're in pain or frustrated just to make people feel better or less awkward.

I moan all the time on Facebook and Twitter if I'm not feeling 100% but its not all I talk about and a lot of my only contact with friends is through these sites, so my only chance to talk about me being frustrated and in pain is through these sites. A lot of my friends ask if I'm OK and I tell them the truth.

My point is if I constantly tell people I'm OK when I'm not their expect a lot more from me as they think I'm well enough, so I'd rather them know I'm not feeling well then thinking I won't meet up with them or go out because I'm lazy or don't want to socialize with them.

I'm not going to hide the fact that I'm not well and in pain constantly because if these people went through as much pain as me and was having to deal with GP's, hospital doctors and nurses and a whole heap of tests they would be laying in bed moaning all day saying "why me!"

So in my view moan all you like because a good old moan is good for the soul! Your more likely to get depressed and frustrated if you keep it all bottled up and if they don't like it, they don't have to be your Facebook friend, follow you on Twitter or listen to you!

Thanks for reading fellow moaners! xxx

Immense pain but on bright side I have my hospital appointment

Hey everyone,

I've finally got my date for my eye test and lumbar puncture, both will be done on the 9th of December. My eye test will be done in the morning in the eye clinic then a walk over to the day surgery were I will have my lumbar puncture in the afternoon.

This couldn't have come any sooner as my three day intense pain came to a head this morning where I was in extreme pain and was passing out from it. Both me and my husband know that there was no point calling the doctor or going to A&E as they would just send me home saying I have a chronic disease and to go back to my GP.

When appointments are few and far between how am I suppose to get help quickly? If I had an injury that they could see I would be treated straight away but because they can't it means I'm not in pain. If I'm in so much pain that I'm pass out and throwing up because the pain was so intense why can I not receive the help I need?

The last time I called an ambulance it toke three hours for one to come and when it did the paramedics so shocked at how much pain I was in. They gave me gas'n'air and then tried to get me to walk out my house and down to flights of stairs to the ambulance, it was so painful I passed out. They ended up giving me morphine and the gas'n'air just to get down the stairs!

Once I got to the hospital they checked my observations kept me there for four hours as I had morphine and bounced me back home even though my medication wasn't working they never came me anything to help, I just had to deal with it.

I am hoping that things don't get any worse even though I know it is, I hate having to deal with the hospital but I can't deal with the pain either. I hope that I get my appointment to the pain clinic soon.

Pray for me.

Thank you for reading xxx

Frustration does not equal depression

Hey everyone,

Here I am at 2:45am laying in bed in so much pain and talking to you guys to keep me sane and distracted! My body temperature is hot but if you was to feel me then I would feel at a normal body temperature, because of me being so hot I have the extreme burning pain. Its mainly in my arms and legs and the worst pain is in my right knee which feels like someone has poured hot water all over it and every time I move it, it extremely hurts. It even hurts if you just brush my body so (I'm sorry to say!) I'm laying naked with no covers on my bed just trying to relive the pain in anyway I can.

As I was laying in my bed trying to fall asleep I began thinking about my sleeping pattens. One minute I can be sleeping so much that I miss out on my days, to not being able to sleep. I usually take Amitriptyline at night as a pain relieve and to help me sleep but lately it has been making, me sleeping to much worse. 

I was thinking about what the neurologist said about me sleeping all the time because I'm " severely depressed". If that's true why do I feel fine? I've suffered with depression on and off for a long time and I felt "down" earlier in the year so I went to my doctor and told him I felt depressed and he put me on a months worth of anti-depressions and I've been fine ever since, surely if I felt depressed I would do the same?

Then I realized a patten, whenever I've got frustrated and angry about my condition and the lack of help, they always tell me I'm depressed, frustration does not equal depression! I have been told several times that I'm "depressed" while I've been frustrated.

Earlier in the year I had to call a ambulance and go on morphine once a month for 3/4 months, the last time I was in A&E I got frustrated as I thought that they should just admit me into hospital and they would be able to do the test quicker and sort my pain out at the same time. When I begged the nurse to admit me through tears of frustration and pain she told me that my observations where fine and then she started to patronise me by talking to me in a baby voice, like she was talking to child saying, "there, there" and "I know".

No you don't know, nobody can possibly know what it feels like unless they've been through it themselves and you obviously haven't over wise you wouldn't be treating me this way. She then decided I was "depressed" and need Diazepam to "calm" me down. I was groveling to her to help me as being in that much pain you will do anything especially if you know that, that person has the means to take the pain away. How can anyone with an ounce of compassion turn and walk away from someone who was in that much pain begging you for help, I'm mean have I lost the plot here or was the whole point of nursing and medical care was to help someone in need?

I'm not depressed I'm just frustrated at going no where and when your in this much pain on a regular if not daily basis you would be frustrated to. 

I'm not looking forward to the lumbar puncture either as it gives you excruciating back pain and makes already back problems worse and I've come off the Tramadol also it gives you extreme headaches and I suffer with sever migraines every month were all I do is throw up from the pain.

I don't think I've told you, when I'm in a lot of pain, I throw up. I've been sick all the way through my labours and had to be given at least three anti-sickness injections before I stopped. I would like to think (and been told) that I have a very high pain threshold and when I get to the point of throwing up I'm in serious pain.

I've had an 8lb and 8lb 4oz babies and have delivered them both on gas'n'air alone, so to be begging a women for relive as I can't stand the pain and thinking of jumping of a roof, thinking of death as a relief from the pain, then you know I'm in some serious pain!

I wake up every morning hoping I won't be in that amount of pain so night time is a real issue for me as I don't know how I'm going to wake up. Some nights I'm terrified to close my eyes, praying that the night is prolonged. 

I'm going to try and close my eyes and sleep now, as I've got a ton of things to do tomorrow. I'm still a wife and mother at the end of the day and my duty calls regardless of how my body feels.

Its now 3:45am.

Thanks for reading xxx

Is bad news still news?

Hey everyone,

I've decided to stop watching the news as since this government has come into power it has been nothing but gloom and doom. We have the cuts, social housing, immigration, train prices, North Korea and South Korea, Ireland bank crisis need I go on? I mean the only "good" news is Prince William's and Kate Middleton (well it is good news for me as its my birthday which is now a bank holiday yay!).

I do want to know in a way what is going on in the world but life is so grime right now I'd rather have a good day and forget about whats going on then be plastered to the t.v and become depressed. 

I know things are really bad at the moment but life is hard for me enough as it is especially with the cuts that worrying about the rest of the world. Things do grab my eye though and they do scare me. 

I have signed as many petition as I can to help a number of causes, many being for disability as I think the main fall has come on the disabled and low income families. I don't think these petition's will work though as I don't think the government cares or takes things like that seriously as they know that the cuts are going to upset people, I think action is needed.

I think protest's are good, they get things done and if the nation gets behind something against the government they will have no choice but to change. I think disabled and low income families need to get together and really campaign against the cuts. The bankers and rich would got us in to this mess in the first place will still go home with their Christmas bonus and enjoy their huge presents and feast on Christmas day but those of us on the lower income will struggle and probably get into huge debt just to scrape a "nice" Christmas, how is this fair?

Think about it over this Christmas, we need action people and hopefully in the beginning of the new year the tide will change.

Thanks for reading xxx  

Pretty shoes and a night out

Hey everyone,

My husband decided to treat me this week because of all the stress I've been through by buying me a lovely pair of new shoes!

They are gorgeous! The only problem.......I can't walk in them. Its not because they are to high, its because my legs are to weak and I don't have any balance.

I used to be able to walk in shoes like this all the time, in fact I never owned any flat shoes, now my pretty shoes just sit in the draw only to come out for me to admire them.

My husband also decided we needed a night out.

Friends of ours do karaoke as a side job (and are very good I must say!) and they invited us to join them at a local pub, my husband decided we should go. We asked his mum to babysit and she said yes and we had it all arranged that both boys would stay at her house but when it came to the day my youngest son became ill.

We went out for two hours as my mother-in-law had work the next day so my youngest couldn't stay, we had to cram a whole nights drinking and socialising into two hours.

What can I say? I'm feeling it today and my body aches but it was nice to let go even for a little while.

See you soon and thank you for reading xxxx

Hey everyone,

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while as I've been asleep most of the week and my dongle broke so had no Internet when I was awake.

The stress of last week with my son's birthday, family over for dinner and my neurologist's appointment has knocked me for six and I've been sleeping most of this week till three in the afternoon and going to sleep quite early.

I've been going over the neurologist's appointment over and over again in my head, it just doesn't make sense at all. I feel like I belong in the film One flew over the cuckoo's nest by repeating "I'm not depressed, I know I'm not!" to everyone I know. I've suffered from depression on and off since I was a young adult I think I would know by now when I was and if not me, then my husband! 

Its frustrating to feel like your screaming and yet no-one seems to batter a eyelid at you. Why do doctors have to make things twice as hard? You are constantly battling with them just to be heard and then when they do finally hear you they say "why didn't you say that before?" Annoying!

I'm hoping that the lumbar puncture finds what ever is going on with me and that its all resolved soon over wise I don't know what I'm going to do!

Thanks for reading xxxx

Ten ton weight comes crashing down

Hey everyone,

I went to see my neurologist today expecting to get an answer instead I left feeling really disappointed and angry!

I didn't sleep a wink last night worrying weather or not it was going to be bad or worse news, so this morning I was a bag of nerves waiting for the time I had to leave. I had been going over and over in my head for four months what the result would be. I debated with myself and looked at it from all possible angles, so this appointment was really important to me. I've never been so scared in my life about anything like this and this morning, that ten ton weight crashed down on me but didn't completely crush me?

We arrived on time for my appointment and waited for the nurse to do my blood pressure. I was shaking like a leaf when the nurse was doing my blood pressure, I'm surprised it wasn't through the roof the way my heart was pumping! Once she had finished that we were directed to sit outside the consultation rooms. There were three registrar and my consultant (I found out later) was working but it still toke forty-five minutes to be seen.

While we were waiting my consultant came out to call a patient, this was the first time I had ever seen a consultant! I got to look him in face for all of two seconds! Me and my husband was shocked to see he was working and it gave a fain hope that we might be seen by him, we were severally disappointed. He came out of the consultation room and picked up the files of people waiting to be seen. I got a flicker of excitement when I saw him pick up my folder and flick through it, then my heart sank when I saw him putting my folder back and calling someone else's name.

A registrar called my name and I walked into the consultation room. I had prepared myself before the appointment by writing all my symptoms down, wrote out questions so I didn't forget and had my report from the optician all ready, I shouldn't have bothered. He asked me if I was told anything about my condition, I said that I was told that I had small fibre neuropathy and that I was to have blood test and a MRI brain scan. He asked me if I had been sent the results, which I hadn't so he told me my blood test was normal (which I had gathered anyway) and that the only thing that was lacking was vitamin D, my brain scan on the other hand was....

Normal! I couldn't believe it, they had found nothing wrong (as far as he says but I don't trust that because he only skimmed the results, not read them fully) I was so shocked and I thought that's it, its worse! I then started to panic spitting out "but what about my eye?" he said to me "whats wrong with your eye?" I began to explain that I have blurriness, double vision, nysrigmys (which is your eye shaking) and pain centred in my right eye mainly. He looked at me with a kind of smirk on his face and asked, "what do you mean by your eye shaking?" I said that my eye shakes and gave him the report from the optician. Again he just skimmed over it and dismissed it.

He began to look into my eye and do small eye tests, he used a red pin and I had to focus on his eye and tell him when I could see the pin. While doing these test he held two fingers up (I found out later) just to the side and asked me "how many fingers am I holding up?" I said "three!" When he had finished he said that my behind my eye was swollen and that I had "Functional neurological symptoms and that with physiotherapy within a year, I will be fine and back paying Income tax" That's his exact words and sums up completely what he thinks about me!

He looked at me and thought "yeah OK she's twenty three, married and got two kids, she's a benefit scrounger!" It wasn't just that, that made me come to that conclusion, he asked me if I worked, if I've ever worked, when I gave up and if my husband worked or had! That was none of his business for a start, and I don't see what relevant it has to my condition! I know why he wanted to know because he thought that I had just made up this condition just so I could claim disability benefit. Now I don't know why people would choose to defraud DLA as it is one of the hardest to claim even if you have a medical condition.

I went in there paper in hand, ready to ask my questions, how many did he answer? none! I asked him "can I get help with my spasms and aching cramp like pain?
"its part of your neurological condition"
"can I get help with fatigue?"
"its part of your neurological condition"
"can I get help with my eye problem and maybe a referral to a eye specialist?"
"emm"
"can I have a referral to the pain clinic?"
"emm" The best one was "am I under a neurological team?"
"of course you are, if your under Dr. Foster then your under a neurological team"
"well then can I see an Occupational therapy"
"what for? Occupational therapists are for when you work" No their not!
"well I've contacted my local social services but they want to know if I'm under a neurological team as I won't be using their services"
"what for?"
"well their going to help by doing adaptations to my flat"
"you won't need any as you will be fine in a year"

So as you can see I got really far! He reckons with a year's worth of physiotherapy that I will be back to my good old self!

He gave me a website to look at, which describes what he thinks I have,
http://www.neurosymptoms.org/ this is bull-crap! (excuse my language) its infuriated me as it hasn't got anything to do with my condition, all his done is take some of my symptoms and seen that my tests have all come back normal. The thing his "suggesting" that I have is to be diagnosed through bed tests which he never did only checked my eyes.

I challenge anyone to take my symptoms and find a neurological problem that isn't MS!

Symptoms:
Eye:
Eye pain centering in my eye and going towards the back of my head, double vision, blurring, eye shake, its mainly in my right eye but can affect my left, when I move my head quickly I see flashes like camera flash or lightening,
Burning pain:
Chest, arms, hands, fingers, lower tummy, groin, legs, feet, toes
Aching cramp like pain:
arms, hands, fingers, leg, knees, feet, toes
Numbness:
arms, hand, fingers, waist, (sometimes) legs, feet, toes,
Weakness:
arms, hands, fingers, legs, knees, feet
Spasms so bad they keep me awake or unable to rest,
Twitching in my eye, head, arms, hands, legs, feet,
Foot drags along floor while walking,
Loss of coordination,
Forgetting were my feet are mostly,
Shake when doing fine motor skill movements,
Vertigo,
Bowel and urinary urgency,
Memory Loss and forgetfulness,
Panic attacks,
Depression,
Mood swings,
Fatigue,
Burning pain gets worse with heat,
My hands and feet are always cold,
Eye pain gets worse when tired,
and recently I'm having trouble swallowing.

I have one more chance to get a diagnosis as the one good thing his done is sent me for a lumbar puncture, I will have that in two weeks (depending on when the hospital sends the letter) and hopefully, fingers and toes crossed there will be an end to it all.

Thank you for reading xxxx

My son's birthday!

Hey everyone,

My son's birthday didn't start of in the greatest of ways, we had a huge argument the night before as he came home from his nan's and started crying. He wanted to stay at her house for the night and didn't want to come home, so I toke great offense to this and ended up losing my temper with him.

This morning started with a more positive note, he and his brother woke up about 8:30am. They came into my bedroom and sat with me while he opened all his presents after he had finished they let me fall back to sleep as they knew I was exhausted and I love that about them!

My son was 6 today but his a very mature 6 year old. I feel guilty about being sick and him having to take a certain element of maturity, as his having to deal with the fact I'm tired all the time, taking medication and seeing his mum in a wheelchair.

When I woke up we spent the day playing with his presents and spending the day together. In the evening we went for a lovely meal at Pizza Hut which he enjoyed!

Tomorrow I have my mum, step-dad, younger sister, older sister and her kids for dinner! God give me the strength to deal with entertaining so many people and give my husband strength to deal with cooking for so many people!

Thanks for reading xxxx

Hey everyone,

I've got three days left till I see the neurologist and I'm so scared! I'm terrified more then anything his going to say they have found nothing. It feels like a ten ton weight is hanging over my head and as everyday goes by the rope holding it up gets a little more frayed. I have so much in my head that its hard to concentrate on anything else, I keep going over and over things in my head that I can't seem to relax or think about anything else.

I feel so alone, that nobody understands or cares what I'm going through. Its scary having your whole life in some else's hands. The neurologist can help or destroy my life in a matter of minutes. Its also the one year anniversary of my nan's death at the end of the month so all I can think and dream about is her. I'm hoping that my mood improves for my son's birthday tomorrow and that I have the energy to do all things I need to.

I want to make my son's birthday special please God give me the strength I need because I can guarantee I will need it!

Will keep you posted on how it goes, thank you for reading xxxx

Remembrance day

Hey everyone,

I turned on the news last night to hear that Muslim extremists had protested in central London waving banners and burning poppy's on remembrance day. I was so angry how could they do that? Without the argument of the wars of Iraq and Afghanistan do they not think that if it wasn't for all the men who gave their lives in world war 1 and 2 that they would be free? Hitler didn't just hate the Jew's he hated everyone of colour and culture, so do they really think he would have stopped with Europe? They stood up for what is right and just and as a people we need to respect and be grateful for their sacrifice. Hitler wanted world domination he wanted to clear the world of all that HE didn't seem fit.  

The thing that really annoys me is that as British people we allow it to happen! We sit there and let our heroes be mocked and disgraced! Where were our police force then? They hit out on the students protesting and setting fires but they allow this to happen! what where the British public doing while this was going on? sitting their twiddling their thumbs saying how terrible it is! If we think back what would have happened if the British public back in the 1930/40's just sat back and complained rather then doing anything do you think it would all just come out good in the end?

The problem is as a nation we are selfish we sit back thinking someone else will do it, someone else will be the hero. that's why are children are running around killing each other, tormenting people so badly that they end up taking their own lives. As a society we sit there and watch, when we should be standing up for whats right.

 On the day England lost their last game of the world cup a family and a group of the young boys friends where drinking and got really drunk. They then began fighting one another because of the commotion I was watching from my flat, because the young boy was punched by his sister and ended up on the floor he and his mates attacked an innocent Asian man on his way to work. They punched him to the floor, kicked him and stamped on his head. Without thinking I started running and screaming at this group of boys to leave him alone, I could of more then anyone for being ill sat back and waited for the police force to come and by then it could have been to late but I didn't, I toke the risk because I would have never forgiven myself if that poor man had died. I don't know whether it was me screaming or they saw it themselves but two men came to the rescue before I got there and managed to fight the boys off. When the mum arrived (after her son and mates had run off) she began arguing with her daughter screaming "but that's my baby!" I'm sorry but if my son's had done anything like that I wouldn't be defending them, they would be running from me!The point is I could of just sat back and done nothing but I didn't, regardless of the risk I stood up for what is right and just and so have the men who died for yours and mines freedom.

I love this country and have never had the desire to move. I love everything about this country the history, the weather, everything but even I as a patriotic person am thinking of skipping town. The reason being that we've completely lost our way and even in history when our country went down the wrong road their were people who would stand and fight but their isn't anyone out there today, who will stand up for what is right.

Don't get me twisted I'm a truth teller not a racist, I'm not saying that we should all go out and start a civil war with all Muslims I'm saying that if all those who love our country and who are British regardless of colour, culture, religion we need to stand up and fight for the country we love, and what is right, don't sit there and remain silent. If we just sit there and complain amongst each other about the state of this country, nothing will change and it will only become worse. I'm telling you the environment in Germany that caused someone like Hitler to gain power is ripe right now, the only ones who can change it is us, the British public!

As a country we are a walk over.

When the french was rioting about the age of retirement going up I saw an interview with a British reporter and a french MP who spoke about the french protesting the age of retirement going up. The British reporter said to the french MP that in the UK the cuts had just been announced and we had just taken it yet the french public protested against the age of retirement going up yet it was still lower then the UK. The reporter asked her her thoughts on this and she said "that is the British way" We all really know what that meant! It means we're a push over!

Nobody that I know of wanted to go to war with Iraq or Afghanistan but we we're under the illusion that it was for the greater good, that we were giving people freedom, we were wrong. Once you vote a party into power on the notion of all its promises during a election campaign if that party then chooses to go back on their promises there is nothing you can do about it for the next four years. All I'm trying to say that the labour government chose to go to war not the people on the streets, there were Muslim people as part of the nation back when the decision was made are they as much to blame as the "British" people?

Please don't let this continue, do something now before its to late! The climate of society right now means that it will only take something small to trigger off a civil and race war! We are heading down a slippery slope and if we do not act now who knows how its going to end? but I can guarantee its not going to be pretty!

Thanks for reading xxx

Bad day turned into positive day!

Hey everyone,

So I woke up today after sleeping in to midday in another stinking mood. The day didn't start to well, had some bad news from my husband as soon as I opened my eyes and things just continued to annoy me from then on.

I was due to have parents evening with my son's teacher and was not looking forward to it as I knew my son's behaviour had gone downhill recently. He hadn't been really bad he was just becoming frustrated and didn't know how to channel it so was becoming aggressive. Its hard because he had been seeing his Nan recently who gives in to him and spoils him rotten which was making him change into someone very spoilt who needed to be first and given everything. This was causing him to have problems socially with his friends.

Its hard because all you want to do is sleep and you don't have the energy to deal with your child's behaviour. I know I made a mistake for letting it slide for so long but now I've hit breaking point and knuckling down on his behaviour. I don't deal with stress really easily as I end up throwing up because my body can't deal with it then sleep for a day. Being left at home all the time because I can't make the journey, means I miss out on what is going on with my son in school and my husband doesn't really tell me unless its important.

 My husband feels a little out of his depth when it comes to school and don't blame him, his male really walking into a woman's world. I know its the 21st century and more men are staying at home but its still relatively still a woman's world and its treacherous. When it comes to women and their children its really navigate through the social pitfalls as a women, not alone as a man! Women get how other women think but men tend to not understand as women are complex with a mine field of hidden messages, men tend to be more straight forward thinking (not saying some women aren't!) and less emotional. So when it comes to school I tend to know about the hidden messages a little to late after my husband has hit a pitfall!

I hate being on the outside when it comes to my son's education, in fact I hate being on the outside of my family. Their world continues while mine is on hold while I'm ill and I only get to hear whats happened once I feel better.

We went to his school and I'm not going to lie I was in a really bad mood! So bad that on the way there in the car a man was sitting in the middle of the road with his hazards on putting on a trailer. The thing that annoyed me most is there was plenty of room for him to pull at the side of the road to do it but instead sat there blocking everybody else! I unbelted my seat belt ready to unleash on them (because we were late for school because of them) that's how much I was in a bad mood and only needed the slightest thing to set me off.

I got to the school all in a flutter and in a even worse mood! Was ushered by his teacher and waited for her to finish sending the last of the children home. While we were waiting a teacher that has been with my son since nursery came over to talk to me. She lifted my mood by saying that I was a very brave and positive person. By speaking so nicely she brought my mood right up that I was actually thinking quite positively by the time I got to speak to the teacher.

When we sat down and started speaking about how my son was doing and the fact that he is brilliant at school my mood hit even higher! His behaviour wasn't as bad as I had anticipated and we ended up deciding on how we would work together in making sure his school life is enjoyable. So much better then his last teacher would I felt rather then cracking down on the kids bad behaviour she just tired to plaster over the cracks which meant that when things got out of hand the child wouldn't be rectified. 

I'm pleased about the meeting and feel positive that things are on the up now and hopefully my body will follow!

Thank you for reading xxxx