Tribute to my Nan

I miss you more and more each day,

the pain never leaves me.

I think about you more and more each day,

a smell, a voice, anything can make me think of you.

I never got to tell you how I really felt,
i was to stubborn and hard headed,
now your gone all I think about is what I should have said,
it haunts me at every turn.

I guess I felt I didn't need to,
as to me you were invincible.
you were always going to be around,
you was always going to be there.
you were the wind beneath my wings.


Hey everyone,

A year ago today my Nan died, I don't really know what to say other then I miss her so much and it hurts like crazy. My other grandparents died when I was a child and I've always just toke it for granted that my Nan would always be there but when she did die I so wanted to be a child, protected and safe from all the harsh realities of losing a loved one.

The night she died me, my mum, sister and friends were out celebrating the birth of my son the month before, she had been in hospital with kidney failure but was due to come out that day. We had gone to see her the week before and I had taken my son but because she was on an intensive care ward the nurse wouldn't let me take him in to show her, she said if she was worse she would take her in a side room and we could of but she wasn't, that is something I will always regret. Luckily we were all together when we got the call and we rushed from London to Canterbury to get there on time but we were five minutes late. My uncle came out the hospital to meet us, he shook his head as he walked towards my mum with his arms open and she just cried out and curled up. I graped my little sister who was only ten at the time and hugged her to me. I wanted a hole to swallow me up as I didn't want to acknowledge what was happening, I still don't.

That was a year ago that she was taken away from us and it still feels like yesterday, I still wake in the middle of the night because I've dreamt of you or remembered a memory. Things haven't got any easier and I don't think they ever will.

Today is in honour of my Nan, Love you and miss you forever and a day.

Thank you for reading xxx

Why can doctor's lie and get away with it?

Hey everyone,

I'm really mad right now and can not portray the hurt and disgust I feel about what the neurologist has said about me.

Today my husband woke me up to say we had received our copy of the letters the neurologist has sent to my doctor and the referral doctors. When I read the letter I burst in to tears and was infuriated about what he had written.

He had referred me to the neuropsychiatrist (which I don't need as I don't have depression!) in the letter he says that I finished work as a dental nurse in March 2010, this is the first mistake:

 I didn't not give up work in March of this year I gave up work in April 2009 because my boss didn't want to pay me maternity pay so did all he could to drive me from my job which included accusing me of stealing £4.80 and was refusing to call the police even though I asked him to (as he knew he was in the wrong). I also left my job because I had burning pain in my groin causing me to have trouble walking which started when I was three months pregnant.The midwifes put it down to hormones and my pelvis moving so they sent me to pregnancy physiotherapy, they said it was unusual as it usually starts when your heavily pregnant.

The second was he said I developed sciatica during my second pregnancy last year, wrong I developed back problems after my first child and was diagnosed with sciatica four years ago.

The third, he brought up the fact that I was seen by the ENT clinic (ears, nose and throat) when I was a child, I don't know why he felt the need to bring that up as it has nothing to do with what I'm going through now.

The thing that has upset me more then anything is that he said I developed "quite bad" postnatal depression and was seen my a "psychiatric team" and from there developed "functional neurological symptoms". I have NEVER been under a psychiatric team (not that I'm disrespecting anybody who has as I think its really brave to ask for help) and I didn't have postnatal depression with my second son. I had postnatal with my first son six years ago and never saw a psychiatrist or a counsellor and was only on anti depression for two weeks, I got myself healthy again through pure determination and the help and love of my husband and my baby. I would have never sought help with my postnatal if I knew it would be used against me in years to come to say I have a psychotic problem.

How can doctors lie and get away with it? They can say what they like about you and never be brought to account for it. In years to come (even if proven false) every time I seek medical help its going to be there in black and white for the doctor to see and jump to concussions. I'm appalled that he can say such nasty comments about me and not even know or truly listen to me.

He was also "appalled" that I was in a wheelchair, didn't think I was deserving enough for one, you can really see in his letter the anger he has for me being in a wheelchair. I have only seen one doctor (my doctor at the pain clinic) who has really sat down a listen to me, REALLY listened to me, even my GP I have to inform him several times before he listens. This guy never listened, he made up his mind that I was a scumbag who was making everything up so I could claim disability living allowance before I had even walked into the room. 

My advice at the end of this, think twice before you go to a health professional and ask for help as you never know when it will come back to bite you and to those who are in the health profession God gave you ears, use them!

Thank you for reading xxx

Do disabled people have the right to moan?

Hey everyone,

Recently the topic of moaning (more me moaning loads) came up and it got me thinking about people with chronic illness's or disability being able to moan. I hear all the time of those in constant pain or have a disability hiding their pain and anguish behind a smile because they feel they have to.

I think that we have more right then most to have a good moan now and again, why should we hide when we're in pain or frustrated just to make people feel better or less awkward.

I moan all the time on Facebook and Twitter if I'm not feeling 100% but its not all I talk about and a lot of my only contact with friends is through these sites, so my only chance to talk about me being frustrated and in pain is through these sites. A lot of my friends ask if I'm OK and I tell them the truth.

My point is if I constantly tell people I'm OK when I'm not their expect a lot more from me as they think I'm well enough, so I'd rather them know I'm not feeling well then thinking I won't meet up with them or go out because I'm lazy or don't want to socialize with them.

I'm not going to hide the fact that I'm not well and in pain constantly because if these people went through as much pain as me and was having to deal with GP's, hospital doctors and nurses and a whole heap of tests they would be laying in bed moaning all day saying "why me!"

So in my view moan all you like because a good old moan is good for the soul! Your more likely to get depressed and frustrated if you keep it all bottled up and if they don't like it, they don't have to be your Facebook friend, follow you on Twitter or listen to you!

Thanks for reading fellow moaners! xxx

Immense pain but on bright side I have my hospital appointment

Hey everyone,

I've finally got my date for my eye test and lumbar puncture, both will be done on the 9th of December. My eye test will be done in the morning in the eye clinic then a walk over to the day surgery were I will have my lumbar puncture in the afternoon.

This couldn't have come any sooner as my three day intense pain came to a head this morning where I was in extreme pain and was passing out from it. Both me and my husband know that there was no point calling the doctor or going to A&E as they would just send me home saying I have a chronic disease and to go back to my GP.

When appointments are few and far between how am I suppose to get help quickly? If I had an injury that they could see I would be treated straight away but because they can't it means I'm not in pain. If I'm in so much pain that I'm pass out and throwing up because the pain was so intense why can I not receive the help I need?

The last time I called an ambulance it toke three hours for one to come and when it did the paramedics so shocked at how much pain I was in. They gave me gas'n'air and then tried to get me to walk out my house and down to flights of stairs to the ambulance, it was so painful I passed out. They ended up giving me morphine and the gas'n'air just to get down the stairs!

Once I got to the hospital they checked my observations kept me there for four hours as I had morphine and bounced me back home even though my medication wasn't working they never came me anything to help, I just had to deal with it.

I am hoping that things don't get any worse even though I know it is, I hate having to deal with the hospital but I can't deal with the pain either. I hope that I get my appointment to the pain clinic soon.

Pray for me.

Thank you for reading xxx

Frustration does not equal depression

Hey everyone,

Here I am at 2:45am laying in bed in so much pain and talking to you guys to keep me sane and distracted! My body temperature is hot but if you was to feel me then I would feel at a normal body temperature, because of me being so hot I have the extreme burning pain. Its mainly in my arms and legs and the worst pain is in my right knee which feels like someone has poured hot water all over it and every time I move it, it extremely hurts. It even hurts if you just brush my body so (I'm sorry to say!) I'm laying naked with no covers on my bed just trying to relive the pain in anyway I can.

As I was laying in my bed trying to fall asleep I began thinking about my sleeping pattens. One minute I can be sleeping so much that I miss out on my days, to not being able to sleep. I usually take Amitriptyline at night as a pain relieve and to help me sleep but lately it has been making, me sleeping to much worse. 

I was thinking about what the neurologist said about me sleeping all the time because I'm " severely depressed". If that's true why do I feel fine? I've suffered with depression on and off for a long time and I felt "down" earlier in the year so I went to my doctor and told him I felt depressed and he put me on a months worth of anti-depressions and I've been fine ever since, surely if I felt depressed I would do the same?

Then I realized a patten, whenever I've got frustrated and angry about my condition and the lack of help, they always tell me I'm depressed, frustration does not equal depression! I have been told several times that I'm "depressed" while I've been frustrated.

Earlier in the year I had to call a ambulance and go on morphine once a month for 3/4 months, the last time I was in A&E I got frustrated as I thought that they should just admit me into hospital and they would be able to do the test quicker and sort my pain out at the same time. When I begged the nurse to admit me through tears of frustration and pain she told me that my observations where fine and then she started to patronise me by talking to me in a baby voice, like she was talking to child saying, "there, there" and "I know".

No you don't know, nobody can possibly know what it feels like unless they've been through it themselves and you obviously haven't over wise you wouldn't be treating me this way. She then decided I was "depressed" and need Diazepam to "calm" me down. I was groveling to her to help me as being in that much pain you will do anything especially if you know that, that person has the means to take the pain away. How can anyone with an ounce of compassion turn and walk away from someone who was in that much pain begging you for help, I'm mean have I lost the plot here or was the whole point of nursing and medical care was to help someone in need?

I'm not depressed I'm just frustrated at going no where and when your in this much pain on a regular if not daily basis you would be frustrated to. 

I'm not looking forward to the lumbar puncture either as it gives you excruciating back pain and makes already back problems worse and I've come off the Tramadol also it gives you extreme headaches and I suffer with sever migraines every month were all I do is throw up from the pain.

I don't think I've told you, when I'm in a lot of pain, I throw up. I've been sick all the way through my labours and had to be given at least three anti-sickness injections before I stopped. I would like to think (and been told) that I have a very high pain threshold and when I get to the point of throwing up I'm in serious pain.

I've had an 8lb and 8lb 4oz babies and have delivered them both on gas'n'air alone, so to be begging a women for relive as I can't stand the pain and thinking of jumping of a roof, thinking of death as a relief from the pain, then you know I'm in some serious pain!

I wake up every morning hoping I won't be in that amount of pain so night time is a real issue for me as I don't know how I'm going to wake up. Some nights I'm terrified to close my eyes, praying that the night is prolonged. 

I'm going to try and close my eyes and sleep now, as I've got a ton of things to do tomorrow. I'm still a wife and mother at the end of the day and my duty calls regardless of how my body feels.

Its now 3:45am.

Thanks for reading xxx

Is bad news still news?

Hey everyone,

I've decided to stop watching the news as since this government has come into power it has been nothing but gloom and doom. We have the cuts, social housing, immigration, train prices, North Korea and South Korea, Ireland bank crisis need I go on? I mean the only "good" news is Prince William's and Kate Middleton (well it is good news for me as its my birthday which is now a bank holiday yay!).

I do want to know in a way what is going on in the world but life is so grime right now I'd rather have a good day and forget about whats going on then be plastered to the t.v and become depressed. 

I know things are really bad at the moment but life is hard for me enough as it is especially with the cuts that worrying about the rest of the world. Things do grab my eye though and they do scare me. 

I have signed as many petition as I can to help a number of causes, many being for disability as I think the main fall has come on the disabled and low income families. I don't think these petition's will work though as I don't think the government cares or takes things like that seriously as they know that the cuts are going to upset people, I think action is needed.

I think protest's are good, they get things done and if the nation gets behind something against the government they will have no choice but to change. I think disabled and low income families need to get together and really campaign against the cuts. The bankers and rich would got us in to this mess in the first place will still go home with their Christmas bonus and enjoy their huge presents and feast on Christmas day but those of us on the lower income will struggle and probably get into huge debt just to scrape a "nice" Christmas, how is this fair?

Think about it over this Christmas, we need action people and hopefully in the beginning of the new year the tide will change.

Thanks for reading xxx  

Pretty shoes and a night out

Hey everyone,

My husband decided to treat me this week because of all the stress I've been through by buying me a lovely pair of new shoes!

They are gorgeous! The only problem.......I can't walk in them. Its not because they are to high, its because my legs are to weak and I don't have any balance.

I used to be able to walk in shoes like this all the time, in fact I never owned any flat shoes, now my pretty shoes just sit in the draw only to come out for me to admire them.

My husband also decided we needed a night out.

Friends of ours do karaoke as a side job (and are very good I must say!) and they invited us to join them at a local pub, my husband decided we should go. We asked his mum to babysit and she said yes and we had it all arranged that both boys would stay at her house but when it came to the day my youngest son became ill.

We went out for two hours as my mother-in-law had work the next day so my youngest couldn't stay, we had to cram a whole nights drinking and socialising into two hours.

What can I say? I'm feeling it today and my body aches but it was nice to let go even for a little while.

See you soon and thank you for reading xxxx

Hey everyone,

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while as I've been asleep most of the week and my dongle broke so had no Internet when I was awake.

The stress of last week with my son's birthday, family over for dinner and my neurologist's appointment has knocked me for six and I've been sleeping most of this week till three in the afternoon and going to sleep quite early.

I've been going over the neurologist's appointment over and over again in my head, it just doesn't make sense at all. I feel like I belong in the film One flew over the cuckoo's nest by repeating "I'm not depressed, I know I'm not!" to everyone I know. I've suffered from depression on and off since I was a young adult I think I would know by now when I was and if not me, then my husband! 

Its frustrating to feel like your screaming and yet no-one seems to batter a eyelid at you. Why do doctors have to make things twice as hard? You are constantly battling with them just to be heard and then when they do finally hear you they say "why didn't you say that before?" Annoying!

I'm hoping that the lumbar puncture finds what ever is going on with me and that its all resolved soon over wise I don't know what I'm going to do!

Thanks for reading xxxx

Ten ton weight comes crashing down

Hey everyone,

I went to see my neurologist today expecting to get an answer instead I left feeling really disappointed and angry!

I didn't sleep a wink last night worrying weather or not it was going to be bad or worse news, so this morning I was a bag of nerves waiting for the time I had to leave. I had been going over and over in my head for four months what the result would be. I debated with myself and looked at it from all possible angles, so this appointment was really important to me. I've never been so scared in my life about anything like this and this morning, that ten ton weight crashed down on me but didn't completely crush me?

We arrived on time for my appointment and waited for the nurse to do my blood pressure. I was shaking like a leaf when the nurse was doing my blood pressure, I'm surprised it wasn't through the roof the way my heart was pumping! Once she had finished that we were directed to sit outside the consultation rooms. There were three registrar and my consultant (I found out later) was working but it still toke forty-five minutes to be seen.

While we were waiting my consultant came out to call a patient, this was the first time I had ever seen a consultant! I got to look him in face for all of two seconds! Me and my husband was shocked to see he was working and it gave a fain hope that we might be seen by him, we were severally disappointed. He came out of the consultation room and picked up the files of people waiting to be seen. I got a flicker of excitement when I saw him pick up my folder and flick through it, then my heart sank when I saw him putting my folder back and calling someone else's name.

A registrar called my name and I walked into the consultation room. I had prepared myself before the appointment by writing all my symptoms down, wrote out questions so I didn't forget and had my report from the optician all ready, I shouldn't have bothered. He asked me if I was told anything about my condition, I said that I was told that I had small fibre neuropathy and that I was to have blood test and a MRI brain scan. He asked me if I had been sent the results, which I hadn't so he told me my blood test was normal (which I had gathered anyway) and that the only thing that was lacking was vitamin D, my brain scan on the other hand was....

Normal! I couldn't believe it, they had found nothing wrong (as far as he says but I don't trust that because he only skimmed the results, not read them fully) I was so shocked and I thought that's it, its worse! I then started to panic spitting out "but what about my eye?" he said to me "whats wrong with your eye?" I began to explain that I have blurriness, double vision, nysrigmys (which is your eye shaking) and pain centred in my right eye mainly. He looked at me with a kind of smirk on his face and asked, "what do you mean by your eye shaking?" I said that my eye shakes and gave him the report from the optician. Again he just skimmed over it and dismissed it.

He began to look into my eye and do small eye tests, he used a red pin and I had to focus on his eye and tell him when I could see the pin. While doing these test he held two fingers up (I found out later) just to the side and asked me "how many fingers am I holding up?" I said "three!" When he had finished he said that my behind my eye was swollen and that I had "Functional neurological symptoms and that with physiotherapy within a year, I will be fine and back paying Income tax" That's his exact words and sums up completely what he thinks about me!

He looked at me and thought "yeah OK she's twenty three, married and got two kids, she's a benefit scrounger!" It wasn't just that, that made me come to that conclusion, he asked me if I worked, if I've ever worked, when I gave up and if my husband worked or had! That was none of his business for a start, and I don't see what relevant it has to my condition! I know why he wanted to know because he thought that I had just made up this condition just so I could claim disability benefit. Now I don't know why people would choose to defraud DLA as it is one of the hardest to claim even if you have a medical condition.

I went in there paper in hand, ready to ask my questions, how many did he answer? none! I asked him "can I get help with my spasms and aching cramp like pain?
"its part of your neurological condition"
"can I get help with fatigue?"
"its part of your neurological condition"
"can I get help with my eye problem and maybe a referral to a eye specialist?"
"emm"
"can I have a referral to the pain clinic?"
"emm" The best one was "am I under a neurological team?"
"of course you are, if your under Dr. Foster then your under a neurological team"
"well then can I see an Occupational therapy"
"what for? Occupational therapists are for when you work" No their not!
"well I've contacted my local social services but they want to know if I'm under a neurological team as I won't be using their services"
"what for?"
"well their going to help by doing adaptations to my flat"
"you won't need any as you will be fine in a year"

So as you can see I got really far! He reckons with a year's worth of physiotherapy that I will be back to my good old self!

He gave me a website to look at, which describes what he thinks I have,
http://www.neurosymptoms.org/ this is bull-crap! (excuse my language) its infuriated me as it hasn't got anything to do with my condition, all his done is take some of my symptoms and seen that my tests have all come back normal. The thing his "suggesting" that I have is to be diagnosed through bed tests which he never did only checked my eyes.

I challenge anyone to take my symptoms and find a neurological problem that isn't MS!

Symptoms:
Eye:
Eye pain centering in my eye and going towards the back of my head, double vision, blurring, eye shake, its mainly in my right eye but can affect my left, when I move my head quickly I see flashes like camera flash or lightening,
Burning pain:
Chest, arms, hands, fingers, lower tummy, groin, legs, feet, toes
Aching cramp like pain:
arms, hands, fingers, leg, knees, feet, toes
Numbness:
arms, hand, fingers, waist, (sometimes) legs, feet, toes,
Weakness:
arms, hands, fingers, legs, knees, feet
Spasms so bad they keep me awake or unable to rest,
Twitching in my eye, head, arms, hands, legs, feet,
Foot drags along floor while walking,
Loss of coordination,
Forgetting were my feet are mostly,
Shake when doing fine motor skill movements,
Vertigo,
Bowel and urinary urgency,
Memory Loss and forgetfulness,
Panic attacks,
Depression,
Mood swings,
Fatigue,
Burning pain gets worse with heat,
My hands and feet are always cold,
Eye pain gets worse when tired,
and recently I'm having trouble swallowing.

I have one more chance to get a diagnosis as the one good thing his done is sent me for a lumbar puncture, I will have that in two weeks (depending on when the hospital sends the letter) and hopefully, fingers and toes crossed there will be an end to it all.

Thank you for reading xxxx

My son's birthday!

Hey everyone,

My son's birthday didn't start of in the greatest of ways, we had a huge argument the night before as he came home from his nan's and started crying. He wanted to stay at her house for the night and didn't want to come home, so I toke great offense to this and ended up losing my temper with him.

This morning started with a more positive note, he and his brother woke up about 8:30am. They came into my bedroom and sat with me while he opened all his presents after he had finished they let me fall back to sleep as they knew I was exhausted and I love that about them!

My son was 6 today but his a very mature 6 year old. I feel guilty about being sick and him having to take a certain element of maturity, as his having to deal with the fact I'm tired all the time, taking medication and seeing his mum in a wheelchair.

When I woke up we spent the day playing with his presents and spending the day together. In the evening we went for a lovely meal at Pizza Hut which he enjoyed!

Tomorrow I have my mum, step-dad, younger sister, older sister and her kids for dinner! God give me the strength to deal with entertaining so many people and give my husband strength to deal with cooking for so many people!

Thanks for reading xxxx

Hey everyone,

I've got three days left till I see the neurologist and I'm so scared! I'm terrified more then anything his going to say they have found nothing. It feels like a ten ton weight is hanging over my head and as everyday goes by the rope holding it up gets a little more frayed. I have so much in my head that its hard to concentrate on anything else, I keep going over and over things in my head that I can't seem to relax or think about anything else.

I feel so alone, that nobody understands or cares what I'm going through. Its scary having your whole life in some else's hands. The neurologist can help or destroy my life in a matter of minutes. Its also the one year anniversary of my nan's death at the end of the month so all I can think and dream about is her. I'm hoping that my mood improves for my son's birthday tomorrow and that I have the energy to do all things I need to.

I want to make my son's birthday special please God give me the strength I need because I can guarantee I will need it!

Will keep you posted on how it goes, thank you for reading xxxx

Remembrance day

Hey everyone,

I turned on the news last night to hear that Muslim extremists had protested in central London waving banners and burning poppy's on remembrance day. I was so angry how could they do that? Without the argument of the wars of Iraq and Afghanistan do they not think that if it wasn't for all the men who gave their lives in world war 1 and 2 that they would be free? Hitler didn't just hate the Jew's he hated everyone of colour and culture, so do they really think he would have stopped with Europe? They stood up for what is right and just and as a people we need to respect and be grateful for their sacrifice. Hitler wanted world domination he wanted to clear the world of all that HE didn't seem fit.  

The thing that really annoys me is that as British people we allow it to happen! We sit there and let our heroes be mocked and disgraced! Where were our police force then? They hit out on the students protesting and setting fires but they allow this to happen! what where the British public doing while this was going on? sitting their twiddling their thumbs saying how terrible it is! If we think back what would have happened if the British public back in the 1930/40's just sat back and complained rather then doing anything do you think it would all just come out good in the end?

The problem is as a nation we are selfish we sit back thinking someone else will do it, someone else will be the hero. that's why are children are running around killing each other, tormenting people so badly that they end up taking their own lives. As a society we sit there and watch, when we should be standing up for whats right.

 On the day England lost their last game of the world cup a family and a group of the young boys friends where drinking and got really drunk. They then began fighting one another because of the commotion I was watching from my flat, because the young boy was punched by his sister and ended up on the floor he and his mates attacked an innocent Asian man on his way to work. They punched him to the floor, kicked him and stamped on his head. Without thinking I started running and screaming at this group of boys to leave him alone, I could of more then anyone for being ill sat back and waited for the police force to come and by then it could have been to late but I didn't, I toke the risk because I would have never forgiven myself if that poor man had died. I don't know whether it was me screaming or they saw it themselves but two men came to the rescue before I got there and managed to fight the boys off. When the mum arrived (after her son and mates had run off) she began arguing with her daughter screaming "but that's my baby!" I'm sorry but if my son's had done anything like that I wouldn't be defending them, they would be running from me!The point is I could of just sat back and done nothing but I didn't, regardless of the risk I stood up for what is right and just and so have the men who died for yours and mines freedom.

I love this country and have never had the desire to move. I love everything about this country the history, the weather, everything but even I as a patriotic person am thinking of skipping town. The reason being that we've completely lost our way and even in history when our country went down the wrong road their were people who would stand and fight but their isn't anyone out there today, who will stand up for what is right.

Don't get me twisted I'm a truth teller not a racist, I'm not saying that we should all go out and start a civil war with all Muslims I'm saying that if all those who love our country and who are British regardless of colour, culture, religion we need to stand up and fight for the country we love, and what is right, don't sit there and remain silent. If we just sit there and complain amongst each other about the state of this country, nothing will change and it will only become worse. I'm telling you the environment in Germany that caused someone like Hitler to gain power is ripe right now, the only ones who can change it is us, the British public!

As a country we are a walk over.

When the french was rioting about the age of retirement going up I saw an interview with a British reporter and a french MP who spoke about the french protesting the age of retirement going up. The British reporter said to the french MP that in the UK the cuts had just been announced and we had just taken it yet the french public protested against the age of retirement going up yet it was still lower then the UK. The reporter asked her her thoughts on this and she said "that is the British way" We all really know what that meant! It means we're a push over!

Nobody that I know of wanted to go to war with Iraq or Afghanistan but we we're under the illusion that it was for the greater good, that we were giving people freedom, we were wrong. Once you vote a party into power on the notion of all its promises during a election campaign if that party then chooses to go back on their promises there is nothing you can do about it for the next four years. All I'm trying to say that the labour government chose to go to war not the people on the streets, there were Muslim people as part of the nation back when the decision was made are they as much to blame as the "British" people?

Please don't let this continue, do something now before its to late! The climate of society right now means that it will only take something small to trigger off a civil and race war! We are heading down a slippery slope and if we do not act now who knows how its going to end? but I can guarantee its not going to be pretty!

Thanks for reading xxx

Bad day turned into positive day!

Hey everyone,

So I woke up today after sleeping in to midday in another stinking mood. The day didn't start to well, had some bad news from my husband as soon as I opened my eyes and things just continued to annoy me from then on.

I was due to have parents evening with my son's teacher and was not looking forward to it as I knew my son's behaviour had gone downhill recently. He hadn't been really bad he was just becoming frustrated and didn't know how to channel it so was becoming aggressive. Its hard because he had been seeing his Nan recently who gives in to him and spoils him rotten which was making him change into someone very spoilt who needed to be first and given everything. This was causing him to have problems socially with his friends.

Its hard because all you want to do is sleep and you don't have the energy to deal with your child's behaviour. I know I made a mistake for letting it slide for so long but now I've hit breaking point and knuckling down on his behaviour. I don't deal with stress really easily as I end up throwing up because my body can't deal with it then sleep for a day. Being left at home all the time because I can't make the journey, means I miss out on what is going on with my son in school and my husband doesn't really tell me unless its important.

 My husband feels a little out of his depth when it comes to school and don't blame him, his male really walking into a woman's world. I know its the 21st century and more men are staying at home but its still relatively still a woman's world and its treacherous. When it comes to women and their children its really navigate through the social pitfalls as a women, not alone as a man! Women get how other women think but men tend to not understand as women are complex with a mine field of hidden messages, men tend to be more straight forward thinking (not saying some women aren't!) and less emotional. So when it comes to school I tend to know about the hidden messages a little to late after my husband has hit a pitfall!

I hate being on the outside when it comes to my son's education, in fact I hate being on the outside of my family. Their world continues while mine is on hold while I'm ill and I only get to hear whats happened once I feel better.

We went to his school and I'm not going to lie I was in a really bad mood! So bad that on the way there in the car a man was sitting in the middle of the road with his hazards on putting on a trailer. The thing that annoyed me most is there was plenty of room for him to pull at the side of the road to do it but instead sat there blocking everybody else! I unbelted my seat belt ready to unleash on them (because we were late for school because of them) that's how much I was in a bad mood and only needed the slightest thing to set me off.

I got to the school all in a flutter and in a even worse mood! Was ushered by his teacher and waited for her to finish sending the last of the children home. While we were waiting a teacher that has been with my son since nursery came over to talk to me. She lifted my mood by saying that I was a very brave and positive person. By speaking so nicely she brought my mood right up that I was actually thinking quite positively by the time I got to speak to the teacher.

When we sat down and started speaking about how my son was doing and the fact that he is brilliant at school my mood hit even higher! His behaviour wasn't as bad as I had anticipated and we ended up deciding on how we would work together in making sure his school life is enjoyable. So much better then his last teacher would I felt rather then cracking down on the kids bad behaviour she just tired to plaster over the cracks which meant that when things got out of hand the child wouldn't be rectified. 

I'm pleased about the meeting and feel positive that things are on the up now and hopefully my body will follow!

Thank you for reading xxxx

Bad day!

Hey everyone,

I'm in a seriously frustrated mood today, there's been so much stuff that has irritated me.

1. My eye problem has got worse and at times can't see a thing! My eyeball actually hurts and the shaking gets so bad that I can't see from double vision, and because of the shaking my eye waters a lot so that makes vision really bad as well. The thing that really has got my goat has been that I tried to get an optician appointment because I feel my eye has got since July plus I thought it would be a bonus to have an updated report for when I see the neurologist. The optician refused to give me an appointment because nothing would have changed since July (how would you know unless you have seen my eyes?) and the report that was written in July would be good enough. If my eyes were that bad I should get a referral to see an eye specialist, my doctor would refuse to do that saying he'll want to see what the neurologist says (because he has to pay £500 for a referral and he has already paid £1000 in referral's for me!) only the neurologist can refer me to an eye specialist and he might do. The real reason the optician won't give me another eye test is because of money.
 Working as a dental nurse I know that people on benefits claiming on the NHS have to wait for appointments because the NHS put time restrictions on claims. If you claim on the NHS the dental surgery, opticians, etc can only claim and get the money back on one claim every three months so if you want/need an appointment, on the NHS then the place will properly put you off or refuse because they can't claim the money back from the NHS. 
If I was a "paying" customer then they would have no problem giving me another eye test as their getting money for it! So for another reason I'm being penalised for being on benefits. Thanks very much!

2. I keep going hot and cold I can't control my temperature, I'm either so hot that I can't breath or frozen sometimes both! Its driving me crazy!

3. My son has turned into a spoilt brat monster because his spent to much time with his nan (the mother-in-law.) His being aggressive, demanding and self obsessed! Everything has to go his way or he lashes out, his attitude stinks and all because she gives him everything he wants. She 'NEVER' disciplines him no matter what he does and without fail when she sees him she has 'something' for him being a toy, magazine... It drives me crazy because now I have to go through the whole or deal of talking to her about it, stopping my son from spending time alone with her, stopping the presents all before his birthday. Joy! And no matter what its going to be my fault! Always is!

4. I feel abandoned! I feel like the sympathy has run dry and that really (apart from a couple of people) people ask how I am but they don't really care. Some people don't even hide the fact that their not listening! They will ask how I am, I'll tell them that I'm not feeling good and they'll say, "that's nice". Thanks! I know the repeating of me saying "I'm not well" might be getting 'boring' to some people but unfortunately I can't just forget about it! Its here all the time, day or night! I know its selfish to want people to support me especially when they have things going on in their own life but a phone call or a message over Facebook, something. And I want it to be real! I want to really be listened to. As much as its hard for you to hear what I'm going through time and time again, its even harder for me to go through it time and time again.

So here's to hoping tomorrow is better, but I doubt it!

Thanks for reading xxxx

Blood thicker the water??

Hey everyone,

Family is a strange thing isn't it? You can be related to the most irritating people you will ever meet in your life but you also have so much love for them at the same time. Some families seem to be closer then others, some people can't stand their family and others are so close they spend every waking hour with them!

My families a bit different, I would say we're a close family but I couldn't be around them everyday. I know a few people who are adults and every day take their kids around their mum and dad's house and stay there all day everyday! It would drive me crazy and I know it would drive my mum crazy too!

I have family members who drive me crazy! Their immature, selfish and stupid and expected everybody to pick up the slack for them but at the same time I love them with all my heart and would do anything for them.

But when is "enough", enough? If you kept bailing them out every five minutes for their stupidity and immaturity when do you say "deal with it on your own"? Its a hard question when love and family are involved. I was always told blood is thicker then water but when all your blood is being drained to support someone else eventually for your own sake, you have to pull that IV out and say "no more!"

Its not an easy thing to do because of the guilt that comes with it but as adults we have to come to a point in life where we're chucked in the deep end and its sink or swim, but those who know that there's someone at the side of the pool, ready and waiting with a life line to rescue them they never attempt to swim. They just lay there waiting to for the moment when you step in. You know the saying cruel to be kind? Its true sometimes you have to. There's no choice in the matter.

What about the other side of it? What if you can't stand a family member and to go as far as hate? Me and my husband don't get on with any of his family and the only one's we speak to is his mum and dad. The family dilemma we have time and time again is his mum wants to allow our children to go with her to his sisters but we can't stand her or her husband and don't trust them as far as we can throw them. 

I know it seems very cruel to not allow our children to be with their aunt but there's a lot of history that goes into it. Years of complicated anger came to a volcanic eruption last year and dispute between sister and brother nearly destroyed a mother and son relationship forever.

My husband and his sister have always had a strenuous relationship, as kids they were never allowed to settle disputes between themselves and my husband was always the one who was corrected which caused his sister to developed a unrealistic notion of power over her brother while my husband buried all the hate and hurt deep down.

When me and my husband met, me and his sister lets say never really hit it off! She felt that as I was with her brother she too had this unrealistic power over me. (which believe me didn't go down to well!) She hated me and I didn't think to highly of her either and the way she treated my husband infuriated me but as teenagers we really couldn't do much about it as his mum and dad still jumped to her defence and ultimately they were his parents.

It became worse when we had our first son. She felt she had the right to administer this "power" when ever she felt with our son which didn't sit well with me. Her boyfriend at the time hated our son and would pick on him when ever he had the chance to. Me and my husband never slapped our son (because he was a very well behaved child and never had the need to) at seven months old she decided that she was going to "discipline" our child the way she felt fit to and slapped him! twice! When she put him down (he was screaming) I picked him up and comforted him and she said "how is he going to learn!" For one he is MY child and its MY choice in how I discipline him and not down to you to tell me how I bring up MY child!! Anyway i tried to take the diplomatic route and went upstairs to my husband (who was running a bath for him) and said "your sister just slapped him, could you let her know that we have chosen not to slap him because I don't think she knows"  By the time he went downstairs she had left the house, we continued to bath our son (I'm not going to lie, I had a few choice words to say!) eventually she came back, ran upstairs and started to scream at my husband that she had done nothing! She said to my husband "who do you choose to believe, her or me?" 

Blood thicker then water? In that case my husband chose to support me and continues to no matter what. Regardless of who it is in his family he stands up and supports me. Last year his sister got married (on her third engagement! third time lucky hey!) things deteriorated so bad between her and my husband and because of what happened my husband doesn't speak or allow our children to see her. There were a lot of situations that arose over the years that caused an a unadulterated hatred between us and her and her husband. 

That year was the hardest I've ever had, and I think the same applies to my husband. She nearly destroyed our family, killed our child and ruin my husbands relationship with his parents and those things will never be forgotten or forgiven. I can't even portray to you what happened or the damage caused, the affects are still being felt now but what I can tell you is that all that has happened between us as adults would never affect how we dealt with the situation between her and our children. The reason we don't allow them to see our children is because we don't trust her as if she could slap my child in front of my face then what would she do behind my back? Its not just that but she allowed her husband and her boyfriend before that to bully our son. 

My son is a sensitive child and wears his heart on his sleeve which makes it very easy for a spiteful adult to bully him. While he was visiting his nan (which at the time they lived with) he would call him names to the point of frustration for my son then would laugh at him, he would tell him he was going to chuck him out of his nan's house if he said that Liverpool stinks. Now I can understand that some men have this over extractive gang culture attitude to football but picking on a child to terrify him into supporting your team? Then he has the audacity to say to everyone (because he never actually came) that he came over to our house and my husband was to scared to come answer the door! I will be honest with you if he had come to my house then I would have been spending the night in a police cell and him in a hospital bed! 

Anyway I'm getting distracted the point is every now and then its a bone of contention between my husband and his mum because she wants to take the boys to see her (even though his sister is not bothered by the kids at all its the control element she wants, she knows it causes a issue and she likes that!) and my husband refuses.

Would you allow your children go because of the notion blood is thicker then water?

Thanks for reading xxx

My husband has decided to tell his side of the story, you can read it here... http://eyeofthestorm01.blogspot.com/  

Relapse (and no I'm not talking about Eminem's album!)

Hey everyone,

I just wanted to give you a little insight to what I'm going through right now.

Everyday I'm slowly getting very ill again, my bodies giving up. My eyes shake which cause me to have double vision and dizziness, my eyeball hurts and around my eye socket. There is also a pain in the back of my head, it feels like i have smacked my head of the floor or a wall, its so painful that it hurts even to put my head on the pillow. The eyeball shake is great when I have to go down two flights of concert stairs just to go out! It takes a lot of concentration.

My legs ache and spasm all the time and the burning pain never leaves, it even goes through my groin. My legs are weak and numb, my feet drag along the floor and I'm needing help to even walk to the toilet. My arms are aching and burning too, I have pain in my wrist and fingers, (so if I don't blog for a while you know why) they are weak and shake a lot and I can barely hold anything in my hands.

I'm very fatigued and I seem to sleep my days away, I don't have the awareness to think of eating and drinking. I don't have any awareness whats going on just want to sleep and mong out. That's all I seem to do is be in a state drowsiness and unaware of whats going on around me and I can't take in information. I also have vertigo which feels like I'm walking on a hill all the time so you could mistake me for being drunk.

This is what I seem to be like when I'm ill, I wait everyday for the migraine, sickness and being delirious, I know its coming soon I can feel it. I seem to have a fever every night which means the burning pain gets worse as its temperature sensitive.

I go through this everyday but I'm staying positive as my appointment with the neurologist is in two weeks and I'm getting a more up to date report from the optician so that I have enough to back me up. Hopefully I get to have the medication to help me combat this disease.

I know that (as my readers) you are there for me and that by having you all being inspired and have a deeper understanding of what some people who might smile and say their fine actually go through, and the mask their hiding behind.

Be kind to at least one person each day because you have no idea what that person might be going through, and you never know how much your kindness might affect them.

Be blessed and as always thanks for reading xxx

I will win!

Hey everyone,

I've been through a lot in my life and there's pretty much nothing you can say that I haven't been through or have a understanding about but I've also been really lucky. I have amazing people in my life who help pick me up through the hard times and celebrate with me through the good.

I have had trials like you wouldn't believe but also have had many opportunities to active the impossible. In everything I have been through there has always been a lesson and an opportunites to reach people and help them to reach the light at the end of the tunnel.

Every trial in your life has a reason and a meaning nothing happens by chance, to find the reason you have to look within yourself and see what you have achieved because of it and know the reasons why.

I have always been told I'm a strong person, not that I've always felt it but I weather the storm a lot better then most because I have the determination and inner strength with in me to break through, and I wouldn't of had that unless I had been through the fire first.

I don't see my life as over because I've become ill, I see it as a learning curve to inspire and teach people. I'm going through this trial because there's a higher purpose, to what that is I have no idea yet but eventually the mist will clear and I will know and understand why. I have a purpose in life and admitting defeat is not one of them. I will beat what ever is happening to me and will become a medical marvel because I won't lie down and accept this as my fate.

What I'm going through is my testimony and through reading and seeing it you will hopefully active a higher understanding and be able to see the treasures in your life not ashes.

Be like the lion in the face of the storm of defeat and hold your head held up high! You have the strength to weather the storm and active what you need to. Your happiness and life are down to you, you have the power and the ability to do what you want.

                                               Life is what YOU make of it!

 

Be who you want to be! xxxx