Frustration does not equal depression

Hey everyone,

Here I am at 2:45am laying in bed in so much pain and talking to you guys to keep me sane and distracted! My body temperature is hot but if you was to feel me then I would feel at a normal body temperature, because of me being so hot I have the extreme burning pain. Its mainly in my arms and legs and the worst pain is in my right knee which feels like someone has poured hot water all over it and every time I move it, it extremely hurts. It even hurts if you just brush my body so (I'm sorry to say!) I'm laying naked with no covers on my bed just trying to relive the pain in anyway I can.

As I was laying in my bed trying to fall asleep I began thinking about my sleeping pattens. One minute I can be sleeping so much that I miss out on my days, to not being able to sleep. I usually take Amitriptyline at night as a pain relieve and to help me sleep but lately it has been making, me sleeping to much worse. 

I was thinking about what the neurologist said about me sleeping all the time because I'm " severely depressed". If that's true why do I feel fine? I've suffered with depression on and off for a long time and I felt "down" earlier in the year so I went to my doctor and told him I felt depressed and he put me on a months worth of anti-depressions and I've been fine ever since, surely if I felt depressed I would do the same?

Then I realized a patten, whenever I've got frustrated and angry about my condition and the lack of help, they always tell me I'm depressed, frustration does not equal depression! I have been told several times that I'm "depressed" while I've been frustrated.

Earlier in the year I had to call a ambulance and go on morphine once a month for 3/4 months, the last time I was in A&E I got frustrated as I thought that they should just admit me into hospital and they would be able to do the test quicker and sort my pain out at the same time. When I begged the nurse to admit me through tears of frustration and pain she told me that my observations where fine and then she started to patronise me by talking to me in a baby voice, like she was talking to child saying, "there, there" and "I know".

No you don't know, nobody can possibly know what it feels like unless they've been through it themselves and you obviously haven't over wise you wouldn't be treating me this way. She then decided I was "depressed" and need Diazepam to "calm" me down. I was groveling to her to help me as being in that much pain you will do anything especially if you know that, that person has the means to take the pain away. How can anyone with an ounce of compassion turn and walk away from someone who was in that much pain begging you for help, I'm mean have I lost the plot here or was the whole point of nursing and medical care was to help someone in need?

I'm not depressed I'm just frustrated at going no where and when your in this much pain on a regular if not daily basis you would be frustrated to. 

I'm not looking forward to the lumbar puncture either as it gives you excruciating back pain and makes already back problems worse and I've come off the Tramadol also it gives you extreme headaches and I suffer with sever migraines every month were all I do is throw up from the pain.

I don't think I've told you, when I'm in a lot of pain, I throw up. I've been sick all the way through my labours and had to be given at least three anti-sickness injections before I stopped. I would like to think (and been told) that I have a very high pain threshold and when I get to the point of throwing up I'm in serious pain.

I've had an 8lb and 8lb 4oz babies and have delivered them both on gas'n'air alone, so to be begging a women for relive as I can't stand the pain and thinking of jumping of a roof, thinking of death as a relief from the pain, then you know I'm in some serious pain!

I wake up every morning hoping I won't be in that amount of pain so night time is a real issue for me as I don't know how I'm going to wake up. Some nights I'm terrified to close my eyes, praying that the night is prolonged. 

I'm going to try and close my eyes and sleep now, as I've got a ton of things to do tomorrow. I'm still a wife and mother at the end of the day and my duty calls regardless of how my body feels.

Its now 3:45am.

Thanks for reading xxx