Christmas spirit

Hey everyone,

I'm sitting on my sofa watching the snow fall while the Christmas lights flicker on and off and I'm getting excited about Christmas.

A lot of people are frantic and worried about the state of the country and how their going to afford Christmas. I've done this myself, I have sat and cried my eyes out because I couldn't afford presents for anyone in my family and just managed to get presents for my sons. My baby boy was only two months old so he didn't get a lot and that tore my heart to pieces but when it came to Christmas day the presents are only apart of it, we still had a fantastic day without the presents.

So what is Christmas? Is Christmas about all the presents and enough food to fed a third world country?

There are some, where Christmas is all about what presents you can get. My husbands sister and husband send list of things that they want for Christmas, they send them to each other and to relatives. My mother-in-law in a bid to find out what me and my husband wanted for Christmas said that she liked the fact they write lists as she knows when she buys something she will know you need or like it. Me and my husband don't agree, Christmas isn't about presents, especially when your an adult. List are fine for children to write and send to Santa but at 27 and 30 is it really necessary?

I feel Christmas is about family getting together and having a great time. Its the time of the year when people get together or send Christmas cards to relatives that they don't usually see or speak to. Christmas is magic! I can't remember if I've ever had a white Christmas? So I must admit I'm excited about the prospect of saying in my life time that I had a white Christmas.

So I'm sitting here watching the snow fall and thinking I'm going to forget the stress and the strains of life for one day and enjoy the family I was blessed to have. I'm getting into the Christmas spirit and enjoying the magic of Christmas, the joy it brings to so many people.

So come on everybody, forget about the presents and the food for just a moment and take in the essence of Christmas. Take that moment and own it, imprint the magic in your memory as it only comes once a year and all those stress's and strains will still be there so don't let them spoil the magic and that special family time.

Merry Christmas everyone! xxx

Its Christmas don't you know your not allowed to be sick?! part 1 Christmas stress!

Hey everyone,

Its a week till Christmas, just seven tiny days and the stress never stops. Although I'm prepared for Christmas with all the presents and food, other things just seem to want to bring me down.

Last week I had my lumbar puncture and was really ill afterwards, my back pain was horrendous and had to resort going back to the Tramadol just to get through it. I have only really started feeling OK from it.

My neighbour has decided to complain about me to my housing for "anti-social behaviour", I just want to explain that there is a back story as to why he has done this rightly or wrongly. Before he moved in two good friends of mine lived there with his brother, the brother inherited the tenancy from his mum as his was the oldest (but not the maturest) and racked up a lot of debt with some not very nice people and the council. My friends moved out due to this and the brother exchanged with my now neighbour. 

Everything was fine with my neighbour until a couple of weeks ago, two bailiffs turned up and was going to kick down his door until he opened the door to them. This is the real reason for the complaint as because I am still friends with the couple that lived next door he thinks I was friends with the brother too, so he thinks we are laughing at him behind his back. 

I won't find out till Monday what I'm being accused of doing to be classed as "anti-social" which is driving me crazy. I was really angry they wouldn't tell what I've done and that he was so sly and sneaky to complain about me. I bet the reason he had to move in the first place was because he annoyed his neighbours to distraction.

The other thing that's causing me stress is the hospital that killed my Nan last year are refusing to admit they did, so I'm going to have to travel to Kent which is about two/two and a half hours drive to attend a meeting to say "yes you did!" My son is also having trouble at school.

I'm shakin all this stress off though as I'm not having nothing or nobody ruining my Christmas!

Hope your all having a stress free Christmas xxx

You never really know the truth until it smacks you in the face!

Hey everyone,

Yesterday I went for a eye test and lumbar puncture at my local hospital. Three weeks ago I had a phone call to tell me the date and times of my eye test and lumbar puncture and have been worried about it since. I've had sleepless nights from worry because I had been told that lumbar puncture's hurt, cause you to have back pain (and that's without having back problems anyway!) and you have server headaches (again if you don't have chronic headaches anyway) so I was so scared about it. I was to have my eye test at 11:00am and travel over to the other side of the hospital for my lumbar at 1:00pm.

I arrived on time for my eye test to be told that I wasn't on the system and in fact didn't have an appointment! I was not happy, I was told to go to another desk which was for self referrals. I was asked by the lady there if I had a referral letter with me from the neurological department which I didn't have as I wasn't sent one. After a lot of running around they finally squeezed me in as it wasn't an error due to me. I had a visual fields test and was told that my visual fields were constricted and my blind spots where enlarged, I said "which means?" and "he said its common to what ever their searching for" The problem being I don't know what their searching for! We all knew what he meant and wasn't saying was that its common to MS, doctors refuse to say those two little letters because they mean so much so they talk in codes. So many times I've been told that what I'm going through is very common to a certain"neurological problem" but they won't actually say the words until I'm diagnosed.

After my eye test I made my way to the neuroscience day surgery, when I walked in I was shocked and full of fear as it was like a ward full of people who were on drips. I don't really know what I was expecting but I thought I would wait in a waiting room then be called into a room by a doctor the lumbar puncture would be done, I would wait a couple of hours then go home instead I was shown to a bed and waited for the doctor to come.

I waited in the bed looking around at all the people on drips, they were MS patients having regular medication through IV. It was a real slap in the face for me as if it is MS I will be there like these other men and women stuck on a IV for hours on end. You know what else that shocked me? regardless of being hooked up to an IV machine he nurses and patients where laughing and joking with each other. We all know that "sick" people go into hospital and have medication or something like chemo and that there are wards dedicated for it but you really don't fully understand till your there yourself and the reality hits you square between the eyes, I was really amazed!

I'm not afraid to admit it I cried my eyes when I got there out of fear, I was shitting myself to put it bluntly. 1:00pm came and went and I wasn't called by the doctor and as I began to settle down and spend more time in the ward I began to feel easy, the people and nurses where really friendly.

At 4:00pm I was called by the doctor to have my lumbar puncture, its really funny because as she was explaining what was going to happen she was showing me with this model vertebrae and as she bent it to show the curving of the spine it snapped! So imagine she telling an showing you her curving your spine then snap! its was so funny I couldn't help but laugh neither could my husband.

After she finished explaining I got on the bed and she started feeling and drawing the spot she was going to inject, it hurt! She was poking and prodding me and it seemed like forever she was doing this, I just wanted it over with! She then injected the local anesthetic, it felt like she was not only in my back but in my hip too. The pain was immense and no sooner as she injected I started puking, yep that's right my body not only wants to put me through pain it also wants me being sick too! Remember me saying when ever I'm in pain I puke? well there you go, every time I have any kind of drug or pain I'm sick so the doctor had to wait until I finished. 

While I was sitting up and had a break from being sick the doctor put in the needle, even with the local anesthetic it still hurt. Once in I then had to lie down with the needle in my back, this was no easy task and the needle became dislodged as I did do she then had to rearrange the needle again. I just wanted it over, I lay there as she was checking the pressure and collecting the samples trying not to move or be sick. 

She finished and toke the needle out, I began being sick again. The pain and headache hit me as soon as I sat up and all I wanted to do was lie down and go to sleep but she told me I had to have blood taken too. I just gave her my arm, I've had so many blood tests they don't bother me anymore. As she put the needle in she had forgotten something tried to reach for it knock the needle which came out and pieced another hole, blood started squirting everywhere I thought "for goodness sake! this is just like me!" It was typical of my life, nothing is simple! She ended up taking blood from the other arm.

I was taken back to the ward but it was empty, only two nurses were left and me. I had to wait two hours for observation and my blood pressure was low but I wasn't going to spend the night in hospital. I forced myself up and smiled at the nurses protesting that I was fine just so they would send me home. In those two hours I ended up having a good conversation with the nurses who I told what the neurologist said and they agreed he didn't know what he was talking about! so to have reassurance was nice.

I'm still in pain and have a headache, I feel like I've been in a car crash all my body aches. You never really know what its like for someone who is ill till you are, you never can truly understand what its like to go through painful procedures until your the one going through them. So I salute all those of you who have server illness, and despite popular belief it isn't easy and I will never understand someone who "fakes it" for the benefits because trust me the money so isn't worth what I've been through and I certainly wouldn't go through it unless I had to!

Thanks for reading xxx  

Its Christmas don't you know your not allowed to be sick?! part 2 of Christmas shopping!

Hey everyone,

So yesterday I braved the storm and went shopping, I went to a toy shop and supermarket.

It was packed in the toy shop, so many people pushing and shoving so that they are the first to the toys, me I wasn't so keen on getting in the huddle. While I was making my way around the toy shop two men no matter where I was kept bumping into me. I mean I would be walking down an aisle browsing at the toys when there they are walking towards me. It didn't matter if I was at the side of the aisle of in the middle they would look at me like "I'm here and I want to get past, so what you going to do about it?" No matter where I was in the aisle they would give me a filthy look and barge past me.

I'm not exactly skinny, I have bright red hair and have a walking stick how can you miss me? Why do people insist on trying to walk through me? I'll tell you why because their selfish, their so self obsessed that they think where ever they walk people are going to part like the red sea so they can walk straight through. Err excuse me but this is the real world and trust me you really are not that important, and I'm not going move just because your there. 

While I was there being shoved out the way we stopped to look at a certain toy. My mother-in-law had brought my son miniature robots called Zippets, we stopped to look at the range of Zippet toys. While we were there a women hurried up behind us and was fidgeting like a child desperate for the toilet, I couldn't understand why until I saw in her arms a load of Zippet toys. This lady was itching to get at the Zippet toys and when my mother-in-law picked up the last of this certain part of the Zippet the women looked at her as if she had just ripped out her heart, she was devastated.

I do get why parents drive themselves crazy rushing around trying to find a specific toy that their child has requested but if its just the matter that they are picking certain things out does it matter if they don't have it? They have no idea their getting it so I doubt their going to break down if they don't have it.

Next on to the supermarket that was packed full of manic people panic buying. I have heard that because of the snow a lot of corner shops and bars have flooded the supermarkets to buy all the bread, milk ect and alcohol. The supermarkets have fought back by I.ding everybody who was bulk buying to make sure they wasn't coming in time and time again, they were limiting the bread to six a person. I don't know why anyone would want to buy six loafs of bread in one sitting? 

People were rushing around everywhere snatching things of the shelves before anyone else got there. By the time I had got to the supermarket my hands had really started playing up, I started dropping things. I had more people bumping onto me and was having to navigate through the crowds and this was in the middle of the day! We did our shopping and went to the tills, while I was helping my husband and mother-in-law putting the food on the conveyor belt, my hand failed and jar of baby food slipped smashing all over the floor. The people behind us wasn't best pleased, I can't help it and I don't do it purpose my hands just 'let go' and there is nothing I can do about it so your tutting and comments are not going to change that. So in the end we got our shopping through without anymore "incidents" and escaped the madness.

Remember people there is another Christmas next year! Its not the end of the world!

Merry Christmas! xxx

English people are lazy?

Hey everyone,

I know I'm going of the beaten track but I had to write about this.

I found out today that someone I knew was insulting my family and race which is also their own and I was angry and insulted reading it!
They not only insulted my family but all English people in general, this is their quotes:

 "The problem with the English is that most of them would rather "breed" so that they have some poor excuse to sit on their fat arse and claim free benefit rather than spend 6 years at university to get their doctorate certificates."

I disagree although there is a minority (you only have to watch Jeremy Kyle to see that!) who are lazy and don't want to work, most people would like to work and be able to support their families but are unable to find jobs. In today's society with the coalition government there are more people on benefits who had jobs but was unfortunately cut due to this government. This person is basically saying every ENGLISH person, (because lets not forget there are also other ethnic minorities that are on the dole but that's OK!) is lazy and refusing to work and have more children to claim more benefits! That includes single mothers, families who have lost their jobs and lets not forget the disabled who "pretend" to get benefits. There are many doctors, nurses, societies, etc that are English and work really hard to get where they are and I think its ridiculous to tar us all with the same brush as this minority.  

"How many English people reading this is currently unemployed or at home on some type of benefit - I would estimate more than half! I think English people just settle for the "easy life" and get into a routine of claiming benefit rather than having an ambition to better themselves"

 So we're all lazy and have no ambition growing up other then to have a baby, claim a council house and live the rest of our lives on benefits, I don't know about you lot but I am utterly offended by this! I am fed up of being accused of being lazy, I worked to get myself through college because my mum couldn't financially support me, got my degree then fell pregnant. Yes I went through the council system to get my home but it wasn't my "ambition" it was the only option I had otherwise my son would have been on the streets and I would prefer to have people look down on me then have my son on the street. Me and my husband have worked to support our family and I do not appreciate being called "lazy" all because I'm on befits because I have a condition I have no control of!

"Think of your local corner shop for example, they work 18 hour days 7 days a week, could you see an English man/woman doing that – NO"

I know a lot people who work long hours for a low income and yet the still struggle why? because its expensive to live and support your family with rent and council tax robbing most of their money so they need extra help from the state just to feed their children. Its ridiculous to think that only the other race's in Britain work long hours and for 7 days a week.

"Despite colleges offering free creche facilities many parents still choose to stay at home happy to continue to claim benefit for the next 50 years without putting a penny back into the system!"

I have found that with especially Job seekers allowance they won't support you while you are in education trying to "better yourselves" as if you are in education you are not looking for a job and therefore they will stop your benefits, its a catch 22 situation. You are trying to "better yourselves" by getting a degree to find a job/better job and yet if you have no other financial support you can't apply for a course because the government won't let you. Again they have no real clue on how the world actually works!

" I'm just so pleased this government has the balls to re-look at state benefit and make some well needed changes."

I agree changes need to be made but they are attacking the very people who need it most. Most of the cuts made by this government have affect those on low income and the disabled, and yet let the rich and tax dodgers free to continue without any real bother. Even a Conservative MP is a tax dodger so how can this government truly set out to make real FAIR changes?

"You never know, after all of these changes that the government are currently implementing to force people out to training/work, the English may be educated enough to be doctors, and the ethnic group that currently dominate our doctor positions will be more proportioned – we can all hope, but don't hold your breath!"

 How can the "English" better themselves and go to university if the government are putting tuition fees up so that only the rich will be able to go, have they been on another planet? All the student protests that have been going on surely would make them realize that? Its insulting not just to English people but to those who are in a ethnic group! Again this person has no real grasp on how the world is, many English people are in high powered jobs and not just the ethic groups.

"England has one of the best education establishments in the world and that's why people want to come here to study. However, most of the English are too busy queuing up at the chad office and counting their benefit money to take advantage of this!!! There are so many people that are illiterate (little education and therefore can't read / write / spell) in this country and it's so sad given the opportunities that are available to them."

I'm offended by this as I did go to college and did get a degree regardless of the fact that I am dyslexic and hard of hearing and had no help what so ever in my school life and yet came out with 5 C's and 1 A in my GCSE's. I am also a Dental nurse that was employed to work part-time but ended up working full time relying on family members to hep with child care. My husband would end up getting home at 1am from work and just had Christmas day off and had to work on all the bank holidays, so while me and the boys were celebrating with family on Boxing day my husband was working and yet his lazy? I just don't get it, all because a bunch of spoilt kids don't want to work, me and my family are lazy all because we're the same race? This person is saying that if you are English you are illiterate! I mean this is a really racist and discrimination the thing's this person is saying, they even describes illiterate as if we wouldn't know what it means!

"OK maybe their parents didn't give a shit whether they went to school or not, they bunked, took drugs, had a crap childhood, whatever the reason, but there is adult education available for FREE to every person who is a resident in the UK to improve this, to better themselves and to have better job prospects."

OK all you parents out there, according to this person you don't care about your children and their education but would rather them to stay gutter just like yourselves! ridiculous! I'm not a drug taking idiot and I am furious that someone wold suggest I am!

I come from a Romany Traveller back ground and know that a lot of my family have worked hard in their lives, they might have not done things the "right" way but they are happy in the way they are.

My grandad died earning a living picking hops to support his family in fact he died saving his own child, he left my nan to support seven children in an age were there was no help for single parents. They were not lazy people and a lot of my family have real raw talent, my dad can build and business up from just buying a lorry. He will have a fully fledged company with employees within months, two of my cousin's own their own business and have built them from nothing so no I don't think my family are lazy and I'm proud of who I am and if there not well...

If you want to know more about Romany Travelers here's a link http://www.culture24.org.uk/history+%26+heritage/time/georgian+and+victorian/art38559

Thank you for reading xxx

Its Christmas don't you know your not allowed to be sick?! part 1 Christmas shopping

Hey everyone,

Its another bad night for me, I'm in pain and have a lot of things running through my head. I'm sleeping a lot at the moment barely seeing before 12pm and its killing me, I've got so much to do.

After many weeks of my mother-in-law guilt tripping me into having them over Christmas day (because once again wonder-daughter has dropped them for her husbands family!) I have to now go out and shop for a full on Christmas dinner, something I did not want to do. I also have to make the father-in-law trifle, which takes a lot of effort and time!

All I wanted this year is a quite Christmas with just me and the boys, no pressure to entertain and cook or no embarrassment or shame for falling asleep on the sofa because its someone else's house, just me and the boys. The boys are not going to want a full on Christmas dinner (the husband doesn't eat it and the boys are to young to really know what it is) or mind if I do park out on the sofa plus we have never in the eight years me and my husband have been together have we spent Christmas day with just us as a family, so a nice easy Christmas or so I thought! I now on top of buying presents (which you can mostly buy online) I know have to find the energy to go Christmas food shopping and as you all know is jolly good fun!  

Christmas food shopping takes a huge lot of energy and patience. People go absolutely mad and act like its the end of the world and they need provisions. It is crazy, people charge around grabbing every little thing they can think of and we all know we go crazy at Christmas and end up with enough chocolate and cranberry sauce to last us till next Christmas and yet we still do it every year. So now I will be amongst the carnage this year because lets face it, my husband is no good at this stuff and I'll end up doing it anyway so might as well.

Christmas doesn't slow down or is less of an expectation when your sick, you still have the same stress and strains its just worse because your sick. I'll have to run around (the best I can) to do all the shopping, cooking and hosting for Christmas day and hope and pray that I can make it through. So spare a thought this Christmas while you snatch the last carrot from its tray for those of us that who find it difficult and try and make Christmas shopping that little bit easier for us.

Thanks for reading and Merry Christmas xxx

Depression

,Hey everyone,
Today I wanted to talk to you about depression, depression is a serious thing but nothing to be ashamed of. Everybody at some point in there life is going to have depression its what you do about it when it happens that matters.

I'm going to be really honest here and talk openly and honestly about my depression without shame because how can I say to you its nothing to be ashamed of if I am?

I have suffered with depression since my early teens, I can't tell you honestly what started it but there are a few things that I think contributed to it. I never really fitted in and was constantly fighting so that I wasn't bullied and frankly I was fed up of it. Throw in hormones and "boy troubles" and you got a mixing pot of disaster! By the time I was fifteen I was self harming.

Self harming isn't to be taken likely and I take great offense to those who do it for attention. I hid the fact I was self harming from everyone, no one knew. I did it not for attention but because I felt like that was the only way I could release the pain inside and I truly hated myself, I wanted to be anyone but me. I hid my depression a lot of people didn't know.

Then I met my husband and everything changed, he stopped me self harming and gave me the confidence in myself, I was happy. I became pregnant and was really happy about it and enjoyed my pregnancy up to thirty weeks when I went into early labour. I went to five centimeters dilated and my labour stop, I was made to stay in hospital for a month as I could have gone into labour at anytime. Being in hospital and spending a lot of time by myself as life goes on and family couldn't visit me all the time so I ended up becoming depressed. The day I was released the doctors came and visited me in the morning and I asked if I could go home, they told me I couldn't and I burst into tears spilling drivel that my buggy was being delivered and I wanted to put it up because of that they decided to let me go home later that day.

At the time I was living in a mother and baby unit which is young women either pregnant or have a child under two, who live in a shared house with a key worker coming in during the day to help them deal with life with a baby and provide help if needed. As I wasn't living with my husband and on my own the depression got worse and within a week I was back in hospital having my son. My son was born at thirty-six weeks and was given oxygen as soon as he was born, I was terrified something was wrong with him and VERY protective.

My labour was difficult and I lost a lot of blood during it, I was torn from the inside out and lost 650ml of blood and was near to a blood transfusion. I was hemorrhaging so bad that the doctor gave me three local anesthetic but couldn't wait for them to kick in so I felt every stitch. Even though I had been through that the midwifes neglected me, I was taken passed out in a wheelchair to the shower room and dumped. I passed out several times one being face down in the shower with the water running, I manged to wash and get dressed during this time and opened the door to the shower room just as I passed out. The last thing I saw was a midwife rushing towards me. I was taken back to my room but the sheets hadn't been changed since I'd given birth so refused to go back in the bed and was stuck in a chair in the room, my sister walked in to visit with me passed out in the chair and my son left in the crib next to me.

This didn't help me at all and with having to look after my son by myself with no help, I was still passing out. They wouldn't even let me sit on the bed to change my son's nappy but to stand and change him in the crib, I also had a midwife come and shout at me about giving my son a dummy as he used to comfort suck and I couldn't have him on my breast the whole time. I had a guy come to take blood to check if my blood was working up it self or if I still needed the blood transfusion, he stuck the needle in my arm then realized he had left his trolley with the things he needed at the end of the bed. He was trying to reach his trolley while still having the needle in my arm, in the end he messed up the vein so much that he had to use the other arm, this time he answered his phone while having the needle in my arm! Thankfully I didn't need the transfusion but the whole ordeal brought my mental health right down.

 The next day a midwife came to me and was trying delicately to tell me my son might have jaundice, she said to me "don't you think his a funny colour?" I bit her head off and shouted "no! there's nothing wrong with my baby his colour is fine!" In the end she had to just come out with the fact he might be jaundice, from that I looked at him and saw that he was yellow. I had to face up to the fact my son only a day old might have jaundice.

I had to take him to the children's ward where he had to have a urine and blood test, getting the urine was easy but the blood wasn't on the other hand. They eventually toke blood from both hands and feet, my son was screaming his heart out and I was taken right out of the hospital as I was distraught and wanting to (honestly) beat the crap out of them and protect my son. He didn't end up having jaundice but it made me really over protective.

I had pre and postnatal depression, I was really over protective of my son and wouldn't let anybody else have him and when he did go to someone else I just wanted to cry and have him back. I used to carry the changing bag, buggy and my son in the car seat by myself as I didn't want anybody's help. I was over protective and was over bearing, I never wanted anyone near my son not even his dad.

While I was in hospital a girl moved into the mother and baby unit and made my life hell from the very beginning, when asked she couldn't say why she hated me she just did. She tormented me on a daily basis and made me sink further and further into a deep dark hole, I had men asking me for sex, men walking into my room and her friends threatening me and even once trying to kick down my door, (thankfully it was a fire door) at three o'clock in the morning.

I was terrified to leave my room and would only go out to get things for my son, I prepared things in advance so that I would only have to leave a couple of times. Things got so bad I stopped eating, I would only eat when my husband was there, five days out of a week I wouldn't eat I lost a hell of a lot of weight. I had no support as I lived away from family and none of them drove so the only peace I had was to either go out myself or stay at my mother-in-laws.

I became friends with a girl who lived in a mother and baby unit next door and she supported and defended me against this girl but I had gone to far down this dark hole, the key worker who was supposed to support us was lazy and just wanted to have no hassle so the girl was free to abuse me.

I was even racially bullied, one of the key workers became pregnant and gave birth early, to be politically correct there needed to be one white key worker and one black. The new key worker found out the town where I came from and because she was racially abuse there in her past she labeled me a racist, because of this every time I complained about the two other girls in my house she would turn it around on me and say it was because I was racist! Sh racially bullied me saying that everything was my fault and eventually I complained and she was sacked.

Light came from a health visitor who was hired to come to unit once a week and me and my friend (the girl next door) where the only ones to see her out of six girls. At one point the key worker also came and shouted as us that we should see her as the two girls in my house (the one bullying me and the other who was cowardly and watched it and when necessary would jump in to give her an alibi) where always seeing the health visitor and me and my friend wasn't! We told the health visitor and she even said they never once visited her.

Me and my friend would sit for hours with the health visitor while our kids played who were best of friends and talk about the situation in the house, I ended up telling the health visitor that the only reason I was still alive was because of my son. She began (without me knowing) a campaign to get me out of there! She went to her boss's and told them what was going on, they arranged a meeting with the heads of the mother and baby unit and told them if they didn't give me my notice (a notice is an eviction notice and within that time the council need to find you a new home) they were taking them to court under the mental health act! They wasn't happy! I never got to thank the health visitor properly but I hope she know I'm eternally grateful. Even down to the day I was moving out the girl tried to intimated me but I was to happy and relived I was out of there, it was over or so you would think.

I was there eighteen months and eighteen months of hell doesn't just go away. Once I was in my home I stayed just in the bedroom for months until I realized it was safe and my own home to roam in. I was still not eating and I would panic every time I heard keys in the front door, I was still absolutely terrified she was still going to get me. I began to feel better when I was hit back down by the knowledge that she moved into the same town as me, I became terrified to leave my house and would have nightmares about just going into the town centre.

One day I woke up went to go to the toilet and fell out of bed, from not eating my body didn't have the strength to support me anymore I needed to change. The breakthrough came when my son started saying "mummy's sleeping she's sick" for my son's sake I needed to get a hold of myself and pull myself out the dirt. (This is why I hate it when he says it now with my condition) I roped my mum into helping me get out of the house as she's not the sort of person you can say no to! She came round and with the safety of being with my mum and my husband I left the house, I began eating (even though it did the opposite and I put on a hell of a lot of weight) and with a lot of hard work and support I have been "mentally healthy" for three years now, my son is six.

I'm telling you this because I'm not ashamed and I think it takes a hell of a lot of inner strength to pull your self out of a deep dark hole where the world seems so bleak its not worth living in. I see the girl from time to time and she still tries to intimidate me but I just laugh at her not saying that a strong sense of panic doesn't rises up in me and I just want to roll in a ball but another part of me knows I'm stronger then that and that's were the laugh comes from, I fought my fear and won!

People have tired to push me back down since but I have fought back and refuse to go back there!

If your in this black hole or find yourself in one then remember to not be ashamed reach out to someone and know that most people have been through depression or know someone who has and you are a strong person it just means you can't carry all the worlds burdens on our shoulders, you need help.

And to the neurologist who has used my postnatal depression against me, I say I'm not ashamed and I'm such a strong person that I pulled myself out of that hole with just myself and the support of my husband so I won't be pushed around by you or belittled for it!

Thank you for reading xxxx