Hey everybody,
I went out yesterday to buy my son's new school shoes and while we were out we decided to go window shopping (due to lack of funds) and it made me think is there any point looking good in a wheelchair?? How can you feel sexy in a wheelchair?? I know i'm going to go a little far with this next point and you all probably have different opinions about it but your partner always gives you the most attention and affection when their threatened. For example if I was out all dressed up and a guy looks at me or even talks to me my husband comes over and pulls me close to him and i never leave his attention! Once we were at a club and my husband felt so threatened that he caged me between him and the railing! I couldn't breath! I couldn't even go to the toilet on my own! We had great sex that night! Its a matter of them marking their territory and them showing you what their worth, makeing sure your eyes don't wonder on to anybody else.
We all need to know we're still deseriable. Its about self esteem even if your not looking for anybody else to know you still can affects you in ways you proberly didn't relise. For example you will have the confidence at work, soicaliseing, every part of your life and espacially with your partner. You know that saying "if you feel good you look good"? its true in this sense too. Knowing that you can still attract the eye of the other sex makes you feel good in turn makeing you confident when you walk into the bedroom with your partner.
So if you don't feel this how do you get the confidence? People will tell you out of kindness that you look good with a walking stick or in a wheelchair but ultimately guys would only look at me to wonder why a person my age is with a walking stick or in a wheelchair? thats why most people stare. I've had people walk past me and laugh at my struggle to walk when all i'm trying to do is be a good mother and go to my son's school because he has something going on or he just wants me to pick him up. I've had two guys walk past me and shout "what a fat arse! Oi fat arse" and laughed. Now how do you walk into the bedroom with your partner with confidence after that?
Its not just the disability its the weight too. When you can't move that far exercise becomes a problem and without exercise your weight just goes up and up and theres no way to burn that fat. With me its alot harder as i still have baby weight hanging around that i just can't shift! I've started watching what I eat and decided to go on a diet but without exercise how far will that go? If you don't like the way you look you can't go into the bedroom and want to have sex? Now when I go into the bedroom at the end of the day and sex is on the agenda its lights out P.J's on and under the cover! I would never stand in front of my husband in nice underwear or naked! (maybe when i was younger and a size 6 and had DD boobs!) My biggest fear is turning him off with my body. I think i'm fat, I see i'm fat and I say i'm fat. People are always scolding me for saying i'm fat but when you think and feel a certain way it doesn't matter how many people tell you differently you will never belive them untill you see it yourself!
That doesn't mean that me and my husband don't have a great sex life! Luckly for us we did all the experimenting when we was younger so we know what we like and don't like so the fact that I can't do alot means hanging upside down from a tree is out of the question! When mobility is an issue things can be hard, in the bedroom but its always inportant to keep that intimacy. They say sex is a great pain relief. I have mixed feelings about that I don't feel pain during sex (unless it involves jumping of the walls or hanging from the celing!) but I certainly feel that affects after! The risk and pain is definitely worth it for me you may not feel the same. So how do you have a healthy sex life when all these possibilities are against you? Its simple! You just don't think about them! easier said then down but you put them to the back of your mind lock them in a cage and just don't think about them! Its a mind over matter thing, If you don't mind it don't matter!! This feeling and thoughts are always going to be there and their going to niggle at you but the trick is to think and then forget! don't dwell on them let them have there moment and let it be.
Comeing back to my original point if no-one is looking at you in a suggestive way and you don't get the confidence is there any point in dressing up?? Whats the point of spending loads of money if all people can see is the stick or the chair?
I'll leave you with that note!
Thank you for reading xxx
One womens story against an a invisable illness
Thursday 26 August 2010
Tuesday 24 August 2010
Bath time = Hard time
Hey everyone,
Just thought i'd share my experience of my bath time. I know its boring to everyone else and a normal routine but my bath time is hard work. As I sat in the bath while my husband washed my hair i thought of you and decided to tell you about it!
Bath time is a long and hard affair in my house for me. Because tempture can cause me pain my husband has to run the bath just right not to cold and not to hot. Then he has to help me to the bath room and un-dress, then help me in to the bath. I have a folded up towel at the bottom of the bath because the metal hurts my back (the towel only helps a little) and I relax a little before the hard work begins!
I don't get in the bath alot as it is such hard work but don't get me wrong I do wash!Because I have back problems I can-not sit up straight so when its time to wash my hair I kind of just balance there while my husband wash's my hair. Some times I wonder at 23 when I came such a baby? I should be washing my childrens hair with my husband not my husband washing my hair like i'm just another one of his kids on his household routine! How degradeing is it to sit in a bath tub balanceing while your husband wash's your hair! Just inmagine for awhile how it feels to be in my shoes.
After my hair is washed its the ordeal of shaveing! shaveing is hard I have to lay my back with the towel (which doesn't help that much) and put my leg up on the side of the bath to shave (If your a women and shave in the bath you know what i'm talking about) this puts pressure on my lower back which causes alot of pain. I miss bits, I cut myself, I'm the worst shave ever I think a teenager doing it for the first time could do better then me! It is so painful that i try not to do it that much which means constant trousers and long sleave t-shirts. I hopeing when I finally get moved that we can have a shower and a chair so I can sit down while shaveing (as I can't stand up for long periods of time) they won't do it in the flat at the moment as we will be moveing! another catch 22!
As I sit here in my toweling dressing gown having my hands go numb I think about when I used to sit here before not knowing that in a year or so I would be like this. We all take advange of the small things we do and never give them a second thought untill we lose them! I'm guilty too, I toke advange of my life before and now I miss it loads. I miss being a normal parent, I miss being a dancer, I miss just living life normally!
so I'll say goodbye before my hands get too bad and thank you for reading xxx
Just thought i'd share my experience of my bath time. I know its boring to everyone else and a normal routine but my bath time is hard work. As I sat in the bath while my husband washed my hair i thought of you and decided to tell you about it!
Bath time is a long and hard affair in my house for me. Because tempture can cause me pain my husband has to run the bath just right not to cold and not to hot. Then he has to help me to the bath room and un-dress, then help me in to the bath. I have a folded up towel at the bottom of the bath because the metal hurts my back (the towel only helps a little) and I relax a little before the hard work begins!
I don't get in the bath alot as it is such hard work but don't get me wrong I do wash!Because I have back problems I can-not sit up straight so when its time to wash my hair I kind of just balance there while my husband wash's my hair. Some times I wonder at 23 when I came such a baby? I should be washing my childrens hair with my husband not my husband washing my hair like i'm just another one of his kids on his household routine! How degradeing is it to sit in a bath tub balanceing while your husband wash's your hair! Just inmagine for awhile how it feels to be in my shoes.
After my hair is washed its the ordeal of shaveing! shaveing is hard I have to lay my back with the towel (which doesn't help that much) and put my leg up on the side of the bath to shave (If your a women and shave in the bath you know what i'm talking about) this puts pressure on my lower back which causes alot of pain. I miss bits, I cut myself, I'm the worst shave ever I think a teenager doing it for the first time could do better then me! It is so painful that i try not to do it that much which means constant trousers and long sleave t-shirts. I hopeing when I finally get moved that we can have a shower and a chair so I can sit down while shaveing (as I can't stand up for long periods of time) they won't do it in the flat at the moment as we will be moveing! another catch 22!
As I sit here in my toweling dressing gown having my hands go numb I think about when I used to sit here before not knowing that in a year or so I would be like this. We all take advange of the small things we do and never give them a second thought untill we lose them! I'm guilty too, I toke advange of my life before and now I miss it loads. I miss being a normal parent, I miss being a dancer, I miss just living life normally!
so I'll say goodbye before my hands get too bad and thank you for reading xxx
Health and Safety gone mad!
Hi everyone,
Yesterday i was told by my new Landlord Merton priory homes that i wasn't allowed my "gardern" (which is just a couple of pots on a balcony) which for four years my prevous Landlord (merton council) had no problem with.
We grew togeather tomtoes, strawberrys, peas, chillis and peppers. we will not be able to harvest these togeather as i've had to send the plaints to my mother-in-laws till we move.
Yesterday i was told by my new Landlord Merton priory homes that i wasn't allowed my "gardern" (which is just a couple of pots on a balcony) which for four years my prevous Landlord (merton council) had no problem with.
It was something i shared with my 5 year old son. It was the only thing that me and my son could do togeather. I live on the second floor of a block of flats that doesn't have a lift and I don't always have the energy or will to make the painful journey down the stairs to take him to the park or any other activity.
We grew beautiful flowers togeather! They toke our little sanctuary. I can't belive that they have gone I feel so sad when I go outside and see just an empty space my heart weeps. The reason they toke it away was because it was a fire and health and safety hazzard?? They were no where near my neighbours door but apparently my neighbour is so stupid that in a fire his going to come out his door and run around the balcony trip over my plants before heading to the stairs?? I mean how rediculous! I would be offended if I was my neighbour! The fact that there is a great big deep crack (which is there responsability!) outside his front door but no! he isn't going to trip over that! only my plant pots! I'm the one to blame if someone in the block dies in a fire because I had a couple of plant pots! I'm also a heathen for hanging my washing on a couple of air dryers on the balcony! The communal washing line is right down the stairs, out the building and across the carpark! Now me or my husband are suppose to drag our children all the way down there just to hang washing! what goes through these people's minds?? It was only thing I could do with my son that wasn't too painful and we could enjoy time just me and him. People just don't understand what little things like that mean to a person who can not make it out into the world. It was my little independance that I had left and its all gone. When i'm in so much pain and the burning pain gets to much I go (with help from my husband) out onto the balcony and sit and enjoy peace and quiet and the breeze cooling me down. My kids don't have a gardern but that was a constalation prize.
Thank you for reading! xxx
My balcony now its all gone!
Monday 23 August 2010
The begining
Hi everyone and thank you for following my journey.
I would like to start at the beginning so that you all know where it started and everything thats happened since.
I met my husband when i was 15 and still in school. We fell in love instantly and began to plan our lives together. I fell pregnant when i was 17 and had my first son in November 2004 and from there, my health problems started. I wasn't aware of any illness when I was a kid (apart from being alergic to animal fats. Weird, I know!) apart from being really clumsy and would lose things all the time, I never did it on purpose they just seemed to just slip out of my hands I was constantly in trouble for it. Once I left a whole bag full of new school clothes, pencils, rulers, you name it on the bus! luckly no-one took it and was found by the driver who took it back to the garage, I even have left my handbag on a tram full of money, keys the lot! luckly again no-one took it and the driver pulled up to the station swinging my handbag at me! but other then that nothing really out of the blue until i had my first child.
My son was born 8lb at 36 weeks and 57cm long i was size 6 and 7st when i fell pregnant and grew to a size 20! (god knows what i weighed and i wouldn't like to know!) this put massive strain on my back which caused a slipped disc and sciatica. I found this out 2 years later when one week I was in loads of pain and popping Nurofen like they were sweets. I finally went to the hospital and they gave me painkillers called diclofenac. It turns out i'm allergic to anti-inflamatres and ended up in Resus 2 nights in a row with asthma attacks. When I went to my doctors and asked if I could take anything else, she told me there was nothing else and i'll have to pay for physiotherapy so i left it. I carried on the next few years with my life bearing with the pain and resting in bed when ever it got really bad.
I got married in 2008 and fell pregnant with our second son on our 1st wedding anniversary. as soon as my pregnancy started, the problems began.
My 1st out of the blue problem started when I was 3 months I had a burning pain in my groin and mentioned it to my midwife she said that it was my pelvis moving due to the hormones in my body and would go away as soon as the baby was born and sent me to pregnancy physio.
Soon i began to feel alot worse I had emotional troubles due to my husbands family which made me sick, unable to sleep or eat, I began loseing 3lb's a day (which is great if your not pregnant!) I still had the pain in my groin and my back was playing up alot so i found it difficult to walk and stand up for long periods.
Then at the end of my pregnancy I developed shingles. I went to my doctors and they did nothing! I decided then that i was going to change doctors.
After I had my son my Nan died so I didn't change doctors right away and I felt sick with every passing day. My back was really painful by this point and I was constantly tired and found it really difficult to walk.
In January of 2010 I changed my doctor and he told me I had a slipped disc at my L5/S1 and sciatica and was going to send me for an MRI just in case anything else was going on. My MRI came back and said as much so he sent me to neurosurgery to see if they would operate. While waiting to see the neurosurgeons my symptoms got worse I began to feel burning pain in my legs and feet I was constantly dropping things and could hardly walk. Once I'd seen a registrar of the neurosurgery deparment she said " my symptoms don't coincide with anything they had seen" and sent me for another MRI on my lower back and neck and also a EMG (nerve test) My results were the same in my back and nothing in my neck and everything normal on the EMG. By this time the burning pain had gone into my arms and hands the side of my face and i was experiencing fatigue, bowel and bladder urgancy, and alot of other nasty symptoms. they finally decided I needed to see a neurologist.
At the time of seeing a neurologist (26/07/2010) i was experiencing burning pain in my thighs, knees, calfs, the whole of my feet, arms, elbows, whole of my hands, the right side of my face, across the top of my chest and back, and around my chest which caused me to find it hard to breathe.
I had pain in the back right side of my head like I had smacked it off the floor or wall, pain in my eye as well as double vision and my eyeball shaking which caused me to be dizzy, (i wear bi-focals to help) fatigue, bowel & bladder urgancy, also don't know when i'm finished, migraines that cause me to be sick and delirious and by being sick I couldn't take my painkillers which means I'm in pain so have to call an ambulance and go to hospital for morphine, and a whole load that would take me ages to remember and tell you about so because of that the neurologist is going to send me for a brain scan to see if I have MS (Multiple Sclerosis) and thats what i'm waiting for now.
You will follow my journey of being dignosed, trying to recieve disability living allowence (DLA) and re-houseing (as i'm on the second floor and currently in a wheelchair and unable to get down and up the stairs) you will see how the world treats the disabled and those with a medical condition and the daily struggles those people have.
thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy following me through my journey!
God bless xxx
I would like to start at the beginning so that you all know where it started and everything thats happened since.
I met my husband when i was 15 and still in school. We fell in love instantly and began to plan our lives together. I fell pregnant when i was 17 and had my first son in November 2004 and from there, my health problems started. I wasn't aware of any illness when I was a kid (apart from being alergic to animal fats. Weird, I know!) apart from being really clumsy and would lose things all the time, I never did it on purpose they just seemed to just slip out of my hands I was constantly in trouble for it. Once I left a whole bag full of new school clothes, pencils, rulers, you name it on the bus! luckly no-one took it and was found by the driver who took it back to the garage, I even have left my handbag on a tram full of money, keys the lot! luckly again no-one took it and the driver pulled up to the station swinging my handbag at me! but other then that nothing really out of the blue until i had my first child.
My son was born 8lb at 36 weeks and 57cm long i was size 6 and 7st when i fell pregnant and grew to a size 20! (god knows what i weighed and i wouldn't like to know!) this put massive strain on my back which caused a slipped disc and sciatica. I found this out 2 years later when one week I was in loads of pain and popping Nurofen like they were sweets. I finally went to the hospital and they gave me painkillers called diclofenac. It turns out i'm allergic to anti-inflamatres and ended up in Resus 2 nights in a row with asthma attacks. When I went to my doctors and asked if I could take anything else, she told me there was nothing else and i'll have to pay for physiotherapy so i left it. I carried on the next few years with my life bearing with the pain and resting in bed when ever it got really bad.
I got married in 2008 and fell pregnant with our second son on our 1st wedding anniversary. as soon as my pregnancy started, the problems began.
My 1st out of the blue problem started when I was 3 months I had a burning pain in my groin and mentioned it to my midwife she said that it was my pelvis moving due to the hormones in my body and would go away as soon as the baby was born and sent me to pregnancy physio.
Soon i began to feel alot worse I had emotional troubles due to my husbands family which made me sick, unable to sleep or eat, I began loseing 3lb's a day (which is great if your not pregnant!) I still had the pain in my groin and my back was playing up alot so i found it difficult to walk and stand up for long periods.
Then at the end of my pregnancy I developed shingles. I went to my doctors and they did nothing! I decided then that i was going to change doctors.
After I had my son my Nan died so I didn't change doctors right away and I felt sick with every passing day. My back was really painful by this point and I was constantly tired and found it really difficult to walk.
In January of 2010 I changed my doctor and he told me I had a slipped disc at my L5/S1 and sciatica and was going to send me for an MRI just in case anything else was going on. My MRI came back and said as much so he sent me to neurosurgery to see if they would operate. While waiting to see the neurosurgeons my symptoms got worse I began to feel burning pain in my legs and feet I was constantly dropping things and could hardly walk. Once I'd seen a registrar of the neurosurgery deparment she said " my symptoms don't coincide with anything they had seen" and sent me for another MRI on my lower back and neck and also a EMG (nerve test) My results were the same in my back and nothing in my neck and everything normal on the EMG. By this time the burning pain had gone into my arms and hands the side of my face and i was experiencing fatigue, bowel and bladder urgancy, and alot of other nasty symptoms. they finally decided I needed to see a neurologist.
At the time of seeing a neurologist (26/07/2010) i was experiencing burning pain in my thighs, knees, calfs, the whole of my feet, arms, elbows, whole of my hands, the right side of my face, across the top of my chest and back, and around my chest which caused me to find it hard to breathe.
I had pain in the back right side of my head like I had smacked it off the floor or wall, pain in my eye as well as double vision and my eyeball shaking which caused me to be dizzy, (i wear bi-focals to help) fatigue, bowel & bladder urgancy, also don't know when i'm finished, migraines that cause me to be sick and delirious and by being sick I couldn't take my painkillers which means I'm in pain so have to call an ambulance and go to hospital for morphine, and a whole load that would take me ages to remember and tell you about so because of that the neurologist is going to send me for a brain scan to see if I have MS (Multiple Sclerosis) and thats what i'm waiting for now.
You will follow my journey of being dignosed, trying to recieve disability living allowence (DLA) and re-houseing (as i'm on the second floor and currently in a wheelchair and unable to get down and up the stairs) you will see how the world treats the disabled and those with a medical condition and the daily struggles those people have.
thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy following me through my journey!
God bless xxx
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