I'm back!!

Hey everyone,

I'm back! Sorry I haven't written a blog post in awhile my computer has been broke and believe me its been driving me crazy not being able to blog! My thoughts have been jamming in my brain. Its not been pretty! I had so much word vomit that Facebook and Twitter crashed from being over used! 

Well what to say has happened the last couple of months...
I've had my brain scan which was something I was terrified of having as there has to be a cage over your face. Something I have not relished having but luckily I got to have my husband there holding my hand through the whole experience, if I didn't have him there I don't think I would have been able to go through with it! Its been a hard thought to get over but the brain scan was like doomsday for me, it was a matter of bad or worse news for me. Most people go to the doctor hoping that they don't find anything seriously wrong but I was hoping that they found a terrible disease because them finding nothing was worse then them finding something. To explain my GP has told me that if the hospital DON'T find anything I will be sent back to him and he has no idea how to treat me! Now I know what your thinking and yes it was unprofessional for him to say something like that but he is a very honest and straight talking doctor and that's what I like about him. There are never hidden messages or any 'beating round the bush' its straight down the line, black and white statements so I know where I stand in the big scheme of things. The problem with that is your mind gives you hysteria thoughts like I will for the rest of my life have to fight to be believed, I will have no support, have no idea what to tell people when they ask whats wrong and absolutely no help at all this in-turn brings me back to original point that my life would be a whole lot worse if they don't find anything! So what am I left with? the fact that I have either a terrible, life long disease like MS or that they have no clue what I have and how to treat it. What ever way I look at it I'm still left with those cold, hard facts that either way I'm never going to get better and I'm never going to have a "normal" life again!

The other changes that have happened is that I have completely stopped taking Tramadol and believe me it has been no small feat! I was taken two every four hours, four times a day to taken absolutely nothing! My doctor advised me that the neurologist wanted me to stop taking them as my problem was a purely neurological problem and to prove that some of my symptoms where caused by my disorder and not by a side affect of the Tramadol, so that's what I did! I cut down to four tablets a day then finally nothing a day. It was the most difficult thing I ever had to do my body had got so used to the medication that I felt the affects as soon as I started to cut down. I ended up in A&E because of an intense migraine I had, had for two days and the extreme pain I was in, I didn't sleep for four days because of the intense spasms I had, sever depression and a general feeling of sickness. I am proud that I have done it but my condition has got worse because of it.

I get really extreme spasms which stops me from sleeping. Imagine a real intense feeling in your legs and arms that you need to move, you can't fight this feeling and you have to move every couple of seconds, that's sort of how a spasm feels. There is nothing I can do that helps, there are medication that helps but are 'unavailable' to me because I don't have a diagnosis or am able to see the pain clinic or neurologist when I have a problem. I will admit (because I'm not ashamed too) in my desperate hour I tried a bit of cannabis. Now anybody who knows me, knows I'm dead set against drugs and have no tried it since my wild days in college but I was so desperate by day four of no sleep I would have tried anything!

My thoughts? Well the fist night I toke some I was so terrified I completely smoked the whole joint in a matter of minutes! (For all those authority figures who might be reading this I did not do it in or around my home and I have not continued to smoke it and have none on my person or in my home!) I got so "buzzing" which has never happened to me before (when I've smoked it before I just felt tired and sick so another reason why I have never liked it!) I got so happy and just sat on my bed burping and laughing at myself! My legs continued to spasm it just didn't affect me! The only problem I had was the burning pain got really intense from it and I was to scared to take my pain killers with it so I was in pain with that and kept awake from the pain! The second time I toke it I only smoked half and the feeling wasn't as intense but I got "buzzing" all the same. This time I went straight to sleep which I found really difficult because the room was spinning and my head was swimming! The third time was the rest of the second joint, this night my experience wasn't good. I had been up most of the night with the spasms and had taken Amitriptyline to help me sleep which hadn't worked so I decided I'd try the cannabis. This I think was not a good idea! I felt so awful! I felt like a huge weight was pushing me into the bed and I felt like I couldn't breath! This made me have a huge panic attack so I stayed up anyway scared that I wouldn't wake up if I went to sleep and I wanted the feeling to wear off before I attempted to go to sleep again!

So since then I have not tried it again as that feeling has never left me and when I think of trying it again the feeling comes flooding back! I know you probably think that I'm such a wimp but I think the concoction of the cannabis, Amitriptyline and the mental state of my mind was a bad one! I have no idea what to do about the spasms as I still have them and they seem to be worse the night before a busy day which is a royal pain in the bum! and I know I will never get any real help until I see the neurologist in November. In short, my life is on hold until then but luckily this time of the year is busy for me as on the 22ND was my son's first birthday and my eldest son's birthday on the 13Th of November who is having a joint birthday party with his brother on the 30th so plenty for me to think about and do! 

I hope your all well and as always...
Thank you for reading xxx